How Resilient Are Children Really?

How Resilient Are Children Really?

When a crisis or traumatic situation occurs we often hear people say something like “he/she will be fine. Children are very resilient. They will pull through it.”

Yes children and young people will “pull through” it but at what cost? At what cost to themselves? At what cost to society?

Let’s consider for a moment an adult experiencing a similar or the same traumatic experience, e.g. bereavement or marriage break up. How would the adult react to the situation?

They may have experiences such as:

• Numbness
• Being or feeling dumbfounded
• Feeling isolated
• Become angry
• Become aggressive
• Sullen
• Lash out at others
• Become excessively busy in an attempt to block the memories of the trauma/crisis
• Talk excessively
• Blame themselves for what happened
• Blame others for what happened
• Take on self destructive behaviours to cope with the situation (e.g. drugs, alcohol, self harm, abusing others etc)
• Being Fearful
• Begin to experience panic attacks
• Become tearful
• Take time off work
• Ask for compassionate leave
• Get depressed


Children are Humans too!

This list is only a minor sample of some possible ways that ADULTS react and cope with a crisis or traumatic situation. Given that children and young people are Humans too, aren’t they? Why then do so many adults think that children will be ok by simply leaving them to get over it by themselves? That their resilience will make it all ok?

Children and young people experience the same emotions that adults do when faced with trauma, except in some cases their emotions are camouflaged by “childish” behaviour because ……….they are children!

This does not mean that the underlying emotions that have driven them to behave in these “childish” ways have disappeared. This is their way of dealing with the trauma; they simply act out.

A child experiencing a trauma or crisis and who suddenly starts to fidget or talk excessively in the classroom or become sullen could very well be mirroring the behaviours of adults experiencing trauma. You will have undoubtedly heard of the sharp increase in self harm in the UK with young people, including the increase in suicide. Have you asked yourself what has driven these young people to these measures of coping?

Internalised Behaviour

If a child or young person is not given an opportunity to deal effectively with their emotions relating to the crisis, they will internalise the situation in a lot of different ways, especially self blame or self hatred and sooner or later we, society, will see and experience the result of that young person not receiving the REAL support that they needed at the time because they were deemed to be resilient enough to “pull through” it.

These same children are likely to be some of the ones labelled by society as yobs, thieves, hoodlums, no good or those exhibiting “inappropriate” behaviour and have been given ASBO’s (Anti Social Behaviour Order).
Some adults, including the medical profession, think that not talking to their children about the crisis/trauma will mean that the young person will forget about it. Wrong! The affects of the situation remain with children and they deal with them in different ways, which adults may label as childish or inappropriate behaviour

An author on self harm had a best friend who died when she was 7 years old and the author’s parents and doctor thought that it would be best not to discuss the trauma as she is likely to ‘forget’ about it in time. The author’s way of dealing with the situation was to internalise the sudden death of her friend by blaming herself for surviving which resulted in self harming behaviour for many years including as an adult.

In NLP we have a saying: “Perception is Projection”. That is, what you perceive in others is what you are projecting on to them. I have a very clear and distinct example of this projection experience from one of my managers many years ago, and it is one that I will always remember.

So please, as adults and as a society, let’s do a lot less labelling and negative projection on to our children and young people and lets do MORE of offering REAL help when they need it most. My belief is that children are born with “clean slate”. It’s society that teaches them how to behave!


Have you been LiBERATED yet?

NEW LIFE! NEW FREEDOM! NEW YOU!

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book Series:

Born To Win! Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6lf3gj

Born To Win! Success Strategies for Young Businesses and New Entrepreneurs. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6x6u9t

Born To Win! Success Strategies - EBOOK. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/66hovs

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System™
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People™

E: parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk
E: youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk
www.stepup-international.co.uk
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Good Parent - Bad Parent: The Myths

Good Parent - Bad Parent: The Myths

Often when I tell people that I work with parents, they automatically assume that it is single or lone parents or ‘troubled’ parents that I work with who have ‘troubled’ children. They are the ones with the problems! The answer is that I work with all parents. Parent couples, married or not, can bring about their own range of parenting challenges for themselves and their children as much as single parents can.

There is a lot more unhealthy parenting taking place amongst parenting couples than couples (or society) would want to admit to for a range of reasons; whether guilt, shame, lack of awareness of what is really happening, not wanting to be seen as a bad parent or the misconception that couples are not supposed to be the ones who have problems with parenting (?). Parent couples can knowingly or otherwise create situations within the home environment that affects their children. For instance, a child may become jealous with the arrival of a new baby or jealous because they don’t understand why their younger siblings get more attention than they do. These examples might be the obvious ones that many people can easily relate and admit to. In a lot of respects, the child’s behaviour gets worse because they then begin to question their own self worth and wonder if it is because they have done something wrong why mummy and daddy decided to have a new baby or is it because the younger siblings are favourites why they get more attention. Because they haven’t got the answers, they frequently ‘act up’, ‘play up’, ‘misbehave’ or exhibit ‘inappropriate behaviour’ in attempt to find the answer to their challenge and see if what they believe really is true, i.e. that they were bad or did something wrong why mummy and daddy don’t like them, or had a new baby or pay more attention to the younger children.

This belief then gets reinforced by parents, teachers and others in the child’s world because the child is then perceived as bad or doing something wrong because of their behaviour. There is always a root cause to children’s behaviour (and to adults’ behaviour for that matter!). Most often than not the child doesn’t understand why they are feeling so bad inside and therefore are not able to verbalise it so they behave physically (act up) in an attempt tell adults that something is wrong. So then we get into a cycle and self fulfilling prophecy.

What needs to happen is for adults to really understand the root cause of the child’s behaviour and treat them and reassure them accordingly. For instance, the child may appear as an attention seeker at school because they perceive that they are not getting that attention at home. Attention seeking is a form of the child needing to get close to someone, anyone and that is the only way they know how to get that message across to adults. Once the parents and teacher understands the reason for the attention seeking or behaviour, then simple positive things can be done to support and reassure the child that they are ok. For instance, the teacher could give them more responsibilities in the classroom or allow them to sit nearer the front of the classroom. Parents cuould give them more reassurance or and/or age-related rewards and treats including going to bed a little later.

The trick about children’s behaviour is that their behaviour isn’t necessarily obvious about the real cause of their behaviour and their behaviour might be seen as the real problem instead and masks the underlying problem. That is the symptom or behaviour gets treated but not the root cause of the problem.

In respect of single parents, amongst the other challenges that they experience, one of the major challenge that they and their children face is the very insecure, tit for tat behaviour amongst the adults and/or using the children to get back at each other. All of this is harmful for the children and hence the behavioural issues that ensues for the children. For instance, if an absent parent doesn’t visit the child or doesn’t turn up for a visit, the child blames themselves and wonders what they did for that to happen. They then ‘act up’. And then the single parent gets labelled as not being able to bring their children up in a healthy environment, or that they are not able to control their children.


At Step Up! International Ltd we don’t tell people that they are good or bad parents as that would be setting us up as ‘judges’ with superior parenting abilities than anyone else. What we do, however, is allow parents to find their own solutions from a solutions focused perspective.

We acknowledge that people perform so many other different roles as well as their parenting role, and as such allow the parent to look at the whole of their lives and to take a forward looking approach to creating goals and visions that they want for themselves and the whole family. Ultimately, we work with parents to enable them to get rid of Emotional Roadblocks that may be preventing them from living life to the full.

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod
info@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk

Are You Stressed At Home and Still Doing Far Too Much?

Are you stressed at home and still doing far too much?

• Are you stressed at home and still mopping up after your older children?
• Do you have older children or teenagers who are not taking responsibility for their actions?
• Do your children have total disrespect for you?
• Are you sick and tired of the constant energy drain?
• Do you just hate the mornings when it’s time to wake up older children because all you get back is a mouthful?
• Are you in the firing line every morning?
• Do you still do all the housework, go to work and are over-tired?
• Do you have difficulty letting go of your children so that they can gain their own independence?
• Do your children know how to do the washing up?
• Do you smother your children with kindness even though you know it is more harmful than good?
• Do you find it hard to say NO to your children?
• Do you have children who use your home like a rubbish tip?
• Would you like to free up more of your time so that you can have more quality, leisure and pleasure time with your family?
• Would you like to have an organised home that runs smoothly?
  
  If you have answered YES, then join us for this Tele-Seminar
  
  You will learn:
  
• How to take the stress out of your day
• How you too can have your household running smoothly
• How you can get your older children to take responsibility for their actions
• How to create more time for yourself and your family
• How to gain or re-gain the respect that you deserve
  
  Your Investment: Just £27 (inc vat)
  
  Date: Wednesday 13 June 2007
  Time: 8.00pm UK time.
  
  Easy Payment methods by Paypal using your credit card or debit card (you don’t have to have a paypal account – just an email address) or BACS (Bank Transfer)
  
  Register Now! Send an email to Seminar@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk to book your place and enjoy this Tele-Seminar from the comfort of your own home. All you have to do is phone in at 8.00pm to take part. Calls cost 1p per minute. You will get further joining instructions when you Register for the event. Put Tele-Seminar in the subject header of the email. Book Now!
  
  
  Those tips are really working. I can actually take time away from my nine year old son now who was really clingy before. I can go to my room for ten minutes now without being disturbed and it’s better than before. He is getting a bit more independent now and wants to go out by himself to the corner shop and do things by himself as he feels all grown up now. But I know that it’s me really that’s been holding onto him and I know that I need to start letting go. I will be joining a part time course in August. Thank you.
  Rajbinder Somal, Parent
  
  I feel so much lighter now. It feels like the pressure of the driving test has gone. My driving test seems just like a simple, little every day task now, instead of the big challenge it used to be. I can also support my partner more now instead of always being negative and knock every good idea he had in the past.
  Donna Campbell, Parent
  
  ‘It’s all falling into place now! I thought I was going mad’ (with tears in her eyes)
  Carol, Sure Start Parent
  
  ‘I was feeling tired, anxious, confused and lacking confidence about whether to leave my current full time job that I love, to work part time because I wanted to spend more quality time with my son of 16 months. I was feeling guilty about him being at nursery and that I was leaving for work early in the morning and only having a short time to spend with him in the evenings, including cooking and cleaning. I had already approached my Supervisor about leaving my full time job and he didn’t want me to go. I love my job and have the responsibility for managing the whole Section.
  
  After working with Jennifer, I felt so totally self assured, confident and calmer in myself and had peace of mind in the decision I had made to stay full time in my current role. I had clarity of what I needed to do for the best for myself and my son and I am confident in my ability to find more creative ways and quality time to spend with him’.
  Zalika, Boots
  
  
  I am a single parent and have two boys myself, 11 and 16 years of age. My 16 year old can cook (and cooks the best pasta bake that I have ever tasted!!!!!), iron, knows how to clean and wash his own clothes and is responsible for getting himself up in the morning. Gone are the days when I used to endure his Billy Goat Gruff attitude first thing in the morning trying to wake him up, which would leave me totally stressed out and feeling out of sorts for the morning!
  
  Although he doesn’t have to wash his own clothes, he ends up doing it from time to time, however, if he has run out of all his favourite clothes! If your children are anything like mine, they only wear their favourite clothes!
  
  I wash his clothes providing they are in the laundry room available for me to wash them!
  
  “When you go for what you really want in life, you are helping people more than you realise.”
  Jennifer McLeod © 2006
  
  I don’t normally watch much television and certainly didn’t used to watch programmes like Wife Swop. I happened to watch my first real episode quite recently, by chance, only because my children were watching it and I thought I would chill out with them at that time.
  
  I found it quite intriguing for all different reasons. One of the episodes that I do remember quite distinctly is where a mother of five children was still doing everything for her 21 year old son (and everyone else), including waking him up every morning and cleaning up his dog’s mess every day! After her Wife Swop experience, she was able to (reluctantly!) allow him to take responsibility for his own actions and make decisions for himself. Is this you?
  
  
  Children need boundaries and need to learn to take responsibilities for their actions and accountability. This is their preparation for going out into the big wide world!
  
  “Beating yourself up doesn’t make your situation any better; in fact, it only prolongs it.”
  Jennifer McLeod © 2006
  
  
  We will be having regular Tele-Seminars over the next few months. Tell me what you want to cover regarding Parenting, Relationships, And Young People. What are your parenting needs that you need to tackle right now?
  
  Your Investment: Just £27 (inc vat)
  
  Date: Wednesday 13 June 2007
  Time: 8.00pm UK time.
  
  Easy Payment methods by Paypal using your credit card or debit card (you don’t have to have a paypal account – just an email address) or BACS (Bank Transfer)
  
  Register Now! Send an email to Seminar@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk to book your place and enjoy this Tele-Seminar from the comfort of your own home. All you have to do is phone in at 8.00pm to take part. Calls cost 1p per minute. You will get further joining instructions when you Register for the event. Put Tele-Seminar in the subject header of the email. Book Now!
  
  As ever,
  With Inspirational Blessings
  Jennifer McLeod
  
  
  PS: Join us to see how you could take control of your life today and take the stress out of your day
  PPS: Book NOW to have your home and life running the way you really want it!
  
  Tel: +44 (0) 121 551 1668
  
  
  Company Registered No 5633566 Vat Registration Number: 879 191668
  
  
  
  

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod
info@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk