Connecting or Engaging With Your Children

So many parents are not able to “connect” or engage with their children as they are still holding onto old scripts (and learnt behaviour) from their own parents. I have let go of a lot of my old scripts as they no longer serve my purpose and I wanted a different experience for my children and to create different possibilities for them. I am not saying that it is an easy thing to do, however, it’s a choice thing, and once you make the DECISION to do something, the decision itself makes the task easier to manage or implement.


My two children now talk of having their own businesses and my eldest son is currently writing his training manual/book series. He’s 19.

There isn’t a right or wrong about people holding onto their old scripts. That said, by doing so, IT affects our children in ways that sometimes we just cant imagine.

Many people think that parenting programmes are for “bad parents” or people on the dole, however, the most senior of chief executives could well be having challenges bonding/engaging with their children. We’re all humans (I hope! ), which means that at different times in our lives we all mess up in one way or another. Life!

Our Easy Tiger Parents Programmes have a non-blaming focus that enables parents to get rid of Emotional Roadblocks™ that might be stopping them engaging or interacting with their children.

As part of our Easy Tiger Parent System™, we offer 1:1 Coaching or Easy Tiger Parents Programmes with groups

Contact us now to see how we can help you to throw out some of those OLD scripts which no longer serve you or meet your needs and that of your children.

Contact us now Or BOOK now onto one of our upcoming EVENTS.

Looking forward to hearing from you or seeing you soon

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book Series: Born To Win! Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6lf3gj

Elizabeth Fritzl Revisited – A Real Wake Up Call!

Elizabeth Fritzl Revisited – A Real Wake Up Call!

D’you know the original blog that I posted about Elizabeth Fritzl’s situation has been my most popular blog ever with over a 1000 (thousand) viewers clicking on it within one week of posting the blog on a particular social network site. And yet, even though it has been my most popular blog, I have not had a single comment left by my viewers, NOT ONE, compared to my other blogs.

What Does It Mean?

What does that mean? What could it mean? Is it that as a nation we don’t know what to say about sexual abuse, incest and rape and degrading another person? Is it that we are so disgusted by it that we are all rendered speechless? As stated in my original blog (Elizabeth Fritzl), sexual abuse and incest is widespread across the world, religion, creed, colour, race and gender.

Self Harm

Many of you will already know that my passion and mission is to liberate parents and young people. In one of my programmes for professionals working with children and young people (The Psychology of Self Harm & Behaviour), I share with delegates that one of the main reasons young people resort to self harm (hair pulling, ‘cutting’, drugs, alcohol, emotional abuse, compulsion to steal, gambling or obsession with fire) is because they have been sexually abused.

Coping Strategy

The self loathing, self degradation, hopelessness, helplessness, self hatred, shame and sheer emotional pain that they experience becomes so overwhelming that they feel unable to cope with it all and resort to self harm or self injury as a coping strategy and release from the emotional pain. Relief and control are the top two reasons that young people state for harming themselves and self harming is the number one reason for young people ending up in Accident and Emergency departments.

Speak Up!

So if as adults we feel unable to speak out against sexual abuse, incest and rape of children and young people, how then will we engender, encourage, support and engage children and young people in speaking out when they encounter such experiences?

‘Changing people’s attitudes towards mental health and counselling, and letting young people know that it’s alright to ask for help, that admitting you need help and support doesn’t mean that you have failed. Counselling needs to make more available to young people.’ 24 year old (Breaking Down Barriers Report – Youth Access)


In the UK, in recent years, more and more adults have started to speak out about their own experiences, whether they occurred in children’s homes, convents or at home amongst their family, and how these experiences have affected their lives today.

Our inability as adults to speak out goes a long way to demonstrate why children and young people are powerless to speak up or speak out about their plight, coupled with fear of reprisals from the perpetrator(s). In the majority of sexual abuse cases, the perpetrator is someone that is known to the child or young person, generally a family member, which means that children and young people are torn between standing up for themselves and family loyalty. Children are very protective of their parents irrespective of how good, bad or indifferent their parents are. Perpetrators are and can be any member of the community and at any echelon within the community. Josef Fritzl was deemed to be a respectable member of his community.

Who Would Believe Me?

‘Who would believe me?’ is the question that young people grapple with in these situations. Does the other parent already know? Are they in denial? What would happen to them if they did tell? Do they want to take on the added burden and ‘responsibility’ of breaking up the family home and shattering relationships with their parents and their siblings? How would they cope if they did? Who would support them if they did? Who could they turn to?

Some adults who pluck up the courage to speak out about their experiences become alienated by their families, are accused of lying and accused of breaking up the family home. If this is what happens to an adult, then what chance have young people got?

Review of Youth Information, Advice and Counselling Services

A review of Youth Information, Advice and Counselling Services (YIACS) 2001 by Youth Access in England, revealed that young people’s emotional and mental health needs are not being met adequately. They concluded that there was not a specific service for young people as apposed to those for children and adults.

Society Fails Young People

Additionally, it would seem that social services are more confused and entangled in policy regarding children’s rights and ‘infringement of their human rights’ than focusing on the need to protect the children as in ‘Becky’s’ situation, “for fear their intervention might infringe her human rights.”

It would therefore appear that at all levels, society is failing children and young people and yet, we wonder why some young people ‘go off the rails’, are ‘yobos’, have no respect’, ‘have no manners’, or are turning to suicide as an escape route. What other choices have we given them?
Jennifer McLeod © 2008

Feedback

Give children and young people a voice. Let me have your comments, feedback, thoughts, ideas, or even feedback describing your challenge with leaving a comment about this article.

Your feedback is important to me. Leave a comment about this article here or send to youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk


Forward this Article

Lastly, if you have found this article beneficial, please forward it to anyone you think might find it useful or direct them to my blog site http://www.jennifer-mcleod.blogspot.com/

Thank you

Have you been LiBERATED yet?

NEW LIFE! NEW FREEDOM! NEW YOU!

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book Series:

Born To Win! Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today. NEW RELEASE!!! Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6lf3gj

Born To Win! Success Strategies for Young Businesses and New Entrepreneurs. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6x6u9t

Born To Win! Success Strategies - EBOOK. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/66hovs

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System™
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People™

E: parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk
E: youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk
www.stepup-international.co.uk
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Parents and Young People, have you been liberated yet?

Parents and Young People, have you been liberated yet?

I work with parents and young people from an emotional and psychological perspective, enabling them to get rid of Emotional Roadblocks(tm).If you are a parent or young person, have you been liberated yet?

NEW LIFE! NEW FREEDOM! NEW YOU!

Contact me now to find out more about our services Easy Tiger Parents System(tm) and Born To Win! Programme for Young People(tm)www.Jennifer-McLeod.blogspot.comwww.stepup-international.co.ukTel: + 44 (0) 121 551 1668

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod
info@jennifermcleod.co.uk
http://www.stepup-international.co.uk/
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Good Parent - Bad Parent: The Myths

Good Parent - Bad Parent: The Myths

Often when I tell people that I work with parents, they automatically assume that it is single or lone parents or ‘troubled’ parents that I work with who have ‘troubled’ children. They are the ones with the problems! The answer is that I work with all parents. Parent couples, married or not, can bring about their own range of parenting challenges for themselves and their children as much as single parents can.

There is a lot more unhealthy parenting taking place amongst parenting couples than couples (or society) would want to admit to for a range of reasons; whether guilt, shame, lack of awareness of what is really happening, not wanting to be seen as a bad parent or the misconception that couples are not supposed to be the ones who have problems with parenting (?). Parent couples can knowingly or otherwise create situations within the home environment that affects their children. For instance, a child may become jealous with the arrival of a new baby or jealous because they don’t understand why their younger siblings get more attention than they do. These examples might be the obvious ones that many people can easily relate and admit to. In a lot of respects, the child’s behaviour gets worse because they then begin to question their own self worth and wonder if it is because they have done something wrong why mummy and daddy decided to have a new baby or is it because the younger siblings are favourites why they get more attention. Because they haven’t got the answers, they frequently ‘act up’, ‘play up’, ‘misbehave’ or exhibit ‘inappropriate behaviour’ in attempt to find the answer to their challenge and see if what they believe really is true, i.e. that they were bad or did something wrong why mummy and daddy don’t like them, or had a new baby or pay more attention to the younger children.

This belief then gets reinforced by parents, teachers and others in the child’s world because the child is then perceived as bad or doing something wrong because of their behaviour. There is always a root cause to children’s behaviour (and to adults’ behaviour for that matter!). Most often than not the child doesn’t understand why they are feeling so bad inside and therefore are not able to verbalise it so they behave physically (act up) in an attempt tell adults that something is wrong. So then we get into a cycle and self fulfilling prophecy.

What needs to happen is for adults to really understand the root cause of the child’s behaviour and treat them and reassure them accordingly. For instance, the child may appear as an attention seeker at school because they perceive that they are not getting that attention at home. Attention seeking is a form of the child needing to get close to someone, anyone and that is the only way they know how to get that message across to adults. Once the parents and teacher understands the reason for the attention seeking or behaviour, then simple positive things can be done to support and reassure the child that they are ok. For instance, the teacher could give them more responsibilities in the classroom or allow them to sit nearer the front of the classroom. Parents cuould give them more reassurance or and/or age-related rewards and treats including going to bed a little later.

The trick about children’s behaviour is that their behaviour isn’t necessarily obvious about the real cause of their behaviour and their behaviour might be seen as the real problem instead and masks the underlying problem. That is the symptom or behaviour gets treated but not the root cause of the problem.

In respect of single parents, amongst the other challenges that they experience, one of the major challenge that they and their children face is the very insecure, tit for tat behaviour amongst the adults and/or using the children to get back at each other. All of this is harmful for the children and hence the behavioural issues that ensues for the children. For instance, if an absent parent doesn’t visit the child or doesn’t turn up for a visit, the child blames themselves and wonders what they did for that to happen. They then ‘act up’. And then the single parent gets labelled as not being able to bring their children up in a healthy environment, or that they are not able to control their children.


At Step Up! International Ltd we don’t tell people that they are good or bad parents as that would be setting us up as ‘judges’ with superior parenting abilities than anyone else. What we do, however, is allow parents to find their own solutions from a solutions focused perspective.

We acknowledge that people perform so many other different roles as well as their parenting role, and as such allow the parent to look at the whole of their lives and to take a forward looking approach to creating goals and visions that they want for themselves and the whole family. Ultimately, we work with parents to enable them to get rid of Emotional Roadblocks that may be preventing them from living life to the full.

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod
info@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk

Hurray for Ben! The wicked witch of the East End is Dead!!

Hurray for Ben! The wicked witch of the East End is Dead!!

My 11 year old son called Ben a ‘girl’ because he was sobbing and crying as a result of the emotional, psychological, mental and physical abuse that he had suffered at the hands of Stella, Ben’s dad Phil Mitchell’s fiancée, of the soap Eastenders.

Many boys like my son, and other people, who have never had such experiences as Ben has had, may be of a similar opinion, mainly because they do not understand the seriousness or the complexities of the damage that has taken place as a result of the abuse.

Thousands of children suffer a range of abuse each year at the hands of someone that they know, which is contrary to the general public’s perception of strangers being the main abusers and perpetrators. Abuse can take on so many different forms and shapes and sometimes it can be easy for some parents or relatives to fall into minor elements of abuse with children and young people without realising it. For instance, trying to make a child feel guilty, manipulation and/or the withdrawal of love, or threat of the withdrawal of love to make children do things that they do not want to do. This is particularly the case with adults or parents with low self esteem, self image and low confidence levels.

What normally happens is that the child or young person gets drawn into the cycle of abuse, where the abuser uses coercion, manipulation or threat, until the child or young person find it difficult to distinguish between fact and fiction, as is the case with Ben Mitchell, and in a lot of cases, they find it difficult to get out of the situation, especially if they haven’t got any support, or think that no one would believe them if they told. Thanks, however, to the courage, support and encouragement of Ben’s friend for him to tell someone, Ben gathers up the courage to stand up to his abuser, Stella, at the time when it mattered most - on the wedding day!

Whilst this is a story from a television Soap, abuse very much happens right under our noses in real life, with people left feeling total disbelief, like Peggy and Phil Mitchell, that it could have happened under their roof. The other normal reaction to finding out about abuse is for people to look for someone else to blame for the abuse taking place. Some people blame themselves, blame other adults or even the child or young person caught up in the frightening, humiliating and debilitating situation. Phil Mitchell, the dad in this situation, is starting out on a self-loathing path in his attempt to both blame himself and to deal with the situation. He is at the stage now where he is emotionally unavailable to his son Ben and unable to support him in any way through his own guilt of what ‘he let happen’ to Ben. Eastenders has shown us how easy it is for families to completely miss and/or ignore signs of abuse in our fast paced society.

Children with circumstances like Ben Mitchell are likely to be vulnerable and typical easy preys for abusers, through absolutely no fault of their own. For instance, Ben the character, lost his mother at an early age, came to a new country to a father, brother and family that he doesn’t know and who do not know him. He is therefore searching for something and someone to fill the gap caused by the loss of his mother and the loss of his mother’s love. His dad, character Phil Mitchell is also looking for someone to help fill that void in Ben’s life, to the extent where he overlooked Ben’s mood changes and obvious unhappiness caused by the abuse.

All children ultimately want to be loved and to belong and will gravitate to the person(s) who appear to be providing that love and meeting that need, even if it is in the form of mixed messages from the abuser. As Phil Mitchell says, it doesn’t matter what Stella, the adult, was going through, what mattered was that she was the adult and Ben the child. There are many adults like the character Stella in our society today who have emotional and psychological challenges stemming from their own childhood experiences and conditioning. Adults, however, can choose to get help, support and guidance to deal with these emotional and psychological challenges through a range of counselling, therapeutic and coaching remedies. Therefore, the adult needs to take responsibility for their actions for the abuse and equally, responsibility for their non action if they suspect that a child has been abused. Above all else, do not blame the child or young person for what happened. It is in no way their fault and the child needs to be told that repeatedly and supported and loved throughout the recovery from the experience.

Here some possible signs to watch out for if you suspect that a child, any child, is being abused (emotionally, sexually, physically or psychologically):*

The child or young person:

• Changes their character in a dramatic or pronounced way when a particular person(s) is in the same room or nearby


• Becomes withdrawn


• Becomes a bully, very aggressive or is being bullied


• Seeks extra attention


• Has unexplained bruises or have far fetched explanations for the bruising


• Has genital infections or bruising not normally associated with children


• Is acting in a promiscuous way, not normally typical of their age.
  
  *NB: These signs are not to be taken and used in isolation as they could also be the result and symptoms of other issues occurring in the child/young person’s life.
  
  What you can do:
  


• Listen to your children and believe your children


• Talk about the situation rather than ignore it or pretend that it didn’t happen. It won’t just go away.


• Get counselling or other therapy for your child/the child and yourself


• Visit the GP and request a health check for the child or young person. Get a referral from the GP to another service, e.g. child psychiatrist or psychologist


• Constantly reassure the child or young person and remind them that it was not their fault.


• Give them lots of love


• Get support for yourself so that you can be emotionally available to yourself and therefore be able to support the child or young person


• Get more information from your local Citizens Advice Bureau about support that might be available in your local area. For instance, Open Door or Head 2 Head are voluntary and charity organisations which specially provide a counselling service and therapy for children and young people in Birmingham and Tipton, West Midlands.
  
  
  
  With Inspirational Blessings
  Jennifer McLeod
  info@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk

Are You Stressed At Home and Still Doing Far Too Much?

Are you stressed at home and still doing far too much?

• Are you stressed at home and still mopping up after your older children?
• Do you have older children or teenagers who are not taking responsibility for their actions?
• Do your children have total disrespect for you?
• Are you sick and tired of the constant energy drain?
• Do you just hate the mornings when it’s time to wake up older children because all you get back is a mouthful?
• Are you in the firing line every morning?
• Do you still do all the housework, go to work and are over-tired?
• Do you have difficulty letting go of your children so that they can gain their own independence?
• Do your children know how to do the washing up?
• Do you smother your children with kindness even though you know it is more harmful than good?
• Do you find it hard to say NO to your children?
• Do you have children who use your home like a rubbish tip?
• Would you like to free up more of your time so that you can have more quality, leisure and pleasure time with your family?
• Would you like to have an organised home that runs smoothly?
  
  If you have answered YES, then join us for this Tele-Seminar
  
  You will learn:
  
• How to take the stress out of your day
• How you too can have your household running smoothly
• How you can get your older children to take responsibility for their actions
• How to create more time for yourself and your family
• How to gain or re-gain the respect that you deserve
  
  Your Investment: Just £27 (inc vat)
  
  Date: Wednesday 13 June 2007
  Time: 8.00pm UK time.
  
  Easy Payment methods by Paypal using your credit card or debit card (you don’t have to have a paypal account – just an email address) or BACS (Bank Transfer)
  
  Register Now! Send an email to Seminar@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk to book your place and enjoy this Tele-Seminar from the comfort of your own home. All you have to do is phone in at 8.00pm to take part. Calls cost 1p per minute. You will get further joining instructions when you Register for the event. Put Tele-Seminar in the subject header of the email. Book Now!
  
  
  Those tips are really working. I can actually take time away from my nine year old son now who was really clingy before. I can go to my room for ten minutes now without being disturbed and it’s better than before. He is getting a bit more independent now and wants to go out by himself to the corner shop and do things by himself as he feels all grown up now. But I know that it’s me really that’s been holding onto him and I know that I need to start letting go. I will be joining a part time course in August. Thank you.
  Rajbinder Somal, Parent
  
  I feel so much lighter now. It feels like the pressure of the driving test has gone. My driving test seems just like a simple, little every day task now, instead of the big challenge it used to be. I can also support my partner more now instead of always being negative and knock every good idea he had in the past.
  Donna Campbell, Parent
  
  ‘It’s all falling into place now! I thought I was going mad’ (with tears in her eyes)
  Carol, Sure Start Parent
  
  ‘I was feeling tired, anxious, confused and lacking confidence about whether to leave my current full time job that I love, to work part time because I wanted to spend more quality time with my son of 16 months. I was feeling guilty about him being at nursery and that I was leaving for work early in the morning and only having a short time to spend with him in the evenings, including cooking and cleaning. I had already approached my Supervisor about leaving my full time job and he didn’t want me to go. I love my job and have the responsibility for managing the whole Section.
  
  After working with Jennifer, I felt so totally self assured, confident and calmer in myself and had peace of mind in the decision I had made to stay full time in my current role. I had clarity of what I needed to do for the best for myself and my son and I am confident in my ability to find more creative ways and quality time to spend with him’.
  Zalika, Boots
  
  
  I am a single parent and have two boys myself, 11 and 16 years of age. My 16 year old can cook (and cooks the best pasta bake that I have ever tasted!!!!!), iron, knows how to clean and wash his own clothes and is responsible for getting himself up in the morning. Gone are the days when I used to endure his Billy Goat Gruff attitude first thing in the morning trying to wake him up, which would leave me totally stressed out and feeling out of sorts for the morning!
  
  Although he doesn’t have to wash his own clothes, he ends up doing it from time to time, however, if he has run out of all his favourite clothes! If your children are anything like mine, they only wear their favourite clothes!
  
  I wash his clothes providing they are in the laundry room available for me to wash them!
  
  “When you go for what you really want in life, you are helping people more than you realise.”
  Jennifer McLeod © 2006
  
  I don’t normally watch much television and certainly didn’t used to watch programmes like Wife Swop. I happened to watch my first real episode quite recently, by chance, only because my children were watching it and I thought I would chill out with them at that time.
  
  I found it quite intriguing for all different reasons. One of the episodes that I do remember quite distinctly is where a mother of five children was still doing everything for her 21 year old son (and everyone else), including waking him up every morning and cleaning up his dog’s mess every day! After her Wife Swop experience, she was able to (reluctantly!) allow him to take responsibility for his own actions and make decisions for himself. Is this you?
  
  
  Children need boundaries and need to learn to take responsibilities for their actions and accountability. This is their preparation for going out into the big wide world!
  
  “Beating yourself up doesn’t make your situation any better; in fact, it only prolongs it.”
  Jennifer McLeod © 2006
  
  
  We will be having regular Tele-Seminars over the next few months. Tell me what you want to cover regarding Parenting, Relationships, And Young People. What are your parenting needs that you need to tackle right now?
  
  Your Investment: Just £27 (inc vat)
  
  Date: Wednesday 13 June 2007
  Time: 8.00pm UK time.
  
  Easy Payment methods by Paypal using your credit card or debit card (you don’t have to have a paypal account – just an email address) or BACS (Bank Transfer)
  
  Register Now! Send an email to Seminar@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk to book your place and enjoy this Tele-Seminar from the comfort of your own home. All you have to do is phone in at 8.00pm to take part. Calls cost 1p per minute. You will get further joining instructions when you Register for the event. Put Tele-Seminar in the subject header of the email. Book Now!
  
  As ever,
  With Inspirational Blessings
  Jennifer McLeod
  
  
  PS: Join us to see how you could take control of your life today and take the stress out of your day
  PPS: Book NOW to have your home and life running the way you really want it!
  
  Tel: +44 (0) 121 551 1668
  
  
  Company Registered No 5633566 Vat Registration Number: 879 191668
  
  
  
  

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod
info@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk