Connecting or Engaging With Your Children

So many parents are not able to “connect” or engage with their children as they are still holding onto old scripts (and learnt behaviour) from their own parents. I have let go of a lot of my old scripts as they no longer serve my purpose and I wanted a different experience for my children and to create different possibilities for them. I am not saying that it is an easy thing to do, however, it’s a choice thing, and once you make the DECISION to do something, the decision itself makes the task easier to manage or implement.


My two children now talk of having their own businesses and my eldest son is currently writing his training manual/book series. He’s 19.

There isn’t a right or wrong about people holding onto their old scripts. That said, by doing so, IT affects our children in ways that sometimes we just cant imagine.

Many people think that parenting programmes are for “bad parents” or people on the dole, however, the most senior of chief executives could well be having challenges bonding/engaging with their children. We’re all humans (I hope! ), which means that at different times in our lives we all mess up in one way or another. Life!

Our Easy Tiger Parents Programmes have a non-blaming focus that enables parents to get rid of Emotional Roadblocks™ that might be stopping them engaging or interacting with their children.

As part of our Easy Tiger Parent System™, we offer 1:1 Coaching or Easy Tiger Parents Programmes with groups

Contact us now to see how we can help you to throw out some of those OLD scripts which no longer serve you or meet your needs and that of your children.

Contact us now Or BOOK now onto one of our upcoming EVENTS.

Looking forward to hearing from you or seeing you soon

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book Series: Born To Win! Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6lf3gj

Get Selfish by Jennifer McLeod

In this Issue:

¨ Welcome from Jennifer McLeod
¨ Schools & Other Newsletters
¨ Mobile Phone Directory launches next week
¨ Featured # Article: Get Selfish
¨ What’s On?

Welcome from Jennifer McLeod

Hi All,

And welcome. How are you all out there?

It seems a while since my last blog. I have missed writing them and being in touch with you, however, please do keep sending your comments and feedback.

For the last few months I have had back to back Easy Tiger Parents Workshops, Born To Win! Programme For Young People Workshops and of course, The Psychology of Self Harm & Behaviour Course in May 2009. My last Parent Workshop is in two weeks and I am definitely looking forward to taking a much needed break to rejuvenate, recharge my batteries in readiness for the autumn term.

Early on at the start of going into business, one thing that Peter Thomson, business development specialist of Pti International said at one of his seminars was when planning for the year ahead, the first thing that should go in your diary is your holiday. Make planning your holiday and time out for you and your family a priority over the business. So true! This is what I do at the start of every year, even if I don’t know what we will be doing or where we will be going, the time gets booked out in the diary first.

Have you planned your holiday or time out yet?

Enjoy this blog and have a great summer break

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer

Follow me on Twitter www.twitter.com/EasyTigerParents
______________________________________________________________________

Schools & Other Newsletters

Do you want to share this blog in your own newsletter, blog or website?

I have had requests from schools & others about including my articles in their own newsletters.

Schools and other readers may do so, providing the article remains intact and you credit the author (me) and include the following credits with it:

Jennifer McLeod’s mission is to liberate parents, families and young people and is the Creator of Easy Tiger Parent System™ and Born To Win! Programme For Young People. To subscribe to her free email newsletter and get access to top tips, visit http://www.jennifer-mcleod.blogspot.com/ or email parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk

____________________________________________________________________

Mobile Phone Directory launches next week

A new Mobile Phone Directory launches next week.

I have grave concerns about implications and safeguarding issues for children and young people with adults and youngsters being able to get their mobile numbers from this directory. For others to be able to access your mobile phones in this way has far reaching implications than the normal landline.

If you haven’t already done so, click on the link below to unsubscribe your mobile phone, if you wish.

http://www.118800.co.uk/removeme/remove-me.htmlhttp://www.118800.co.uk/removeme/remove-me.html

Or check out further information about the directory here
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/working_lunch/8091621.stm
At the time of writing this article, the http://www.118800.co.uk/ website had been offline for couple days and the service is now ‘suspended for improvements’. Hhhmm? Quite a convenient time for the service to be offline or suspended when people are attempting to unsubscribe before the launch!

The Communications Officer might have given her consent for this service, but she didn’t ask us and my service provider didn’t seek my permission to release my mobile number.
I have contacted Central ITV news about this (they didn’t know anything about it either!) and a friend of mine has contacted Ed Doolan of Radio West Midlands (WM). If you feel as strongly as we do about this service, then please take some form of action to prevent it being launched or used.

Although it is offline now, I think we still need to be vigilant. Please let me know if you discover that it is back online. Thank you.
_____________________________________________________________________

Featured # Article: Get Selfish!

When I work with parents as part of my Easy Tiger Parents Programme, I use a term I call “positive selfishness”, whereby I encourage parents to focus on themselves. For instance, a parent that I have worked with has two children, one is attention seeking and the other is hyperactive. The parents are arguing and there is tension in the home. The parents focus is for me to give them tools and solutions to manage their children’s behaviour. My response is to work with the parents to manage their own emotions/challenges (behaviour), bringing about a calmer atmosphere and environment in the house, which in itself, will help to put their children at ease and be more re-assured and self assured.

If you focus your attention on loving you, or learning to love yourself, nurturing you, feeding yourself with the correct food and knowledge, supporting you, respecting you, giving to you, then you are in a better position to attend to others around you and their needs, including your children.

How can you love others?

How can you love others if you don’t love or know how to love yourself? How can you truly respect others if you don’t know how to respect yourself? Loving yourself could well mean starting from scratch to learn to love yourself, as I did, especially if you hadn’t learnt this from your parents. So be it, start right there.

One parent thought that this sounded a bit like a cliché but then realised it was indeed what was needed in order to change the situation and circumstances in her home. She was so focused on what her husband was/was not doing that she missed what she was/was not doing and this in itself created more of the friction at home.

Some people tend to project outwards and want to ‘fix’ everyone else or blame everyone else for what’s going on and going wrong in their lives. This is sadly, exactly the same for some parents. These parents find it far easier to focus on the children’s behaviour rather than admit that it’s their own ‘stuff’ that’s creating the situation, circumstances and environment that the children react to, ‘act out’, and children are then labelled by parents, schools and others as ‘naughty’, ‘misbehaving’ a ‘trouble maker’ or ‘always up to no good’. Children and young people who self harm are also reacting to their conditions and environments.

Parents’ and others projecting outwards is the problem! If we, as parents and adults stopped and stepped back to focus more on ourselves and look inwards, we wouldn’t need to do a lot of mopping up and attempting to fix the children!

Disheartening

I get disheartened when some parents opt out of the process when they realise that the focus needs to be more on them than on the children. It is far easier and more comfortable to treat the whole situation as a problem with the kids. Ok, I accept that some parents may not be ready to deal with their emotional ‘stuff’/baggage or Emotional Roadblocks™, and that we are all at our own stage of development, however, what happens to the children in the meantime when the parent does nothing at all to deal with their ‘stuff’? It’s all about taking a small step! And I actively encourage parents to take small steps especially if they are just starting out on their journey of development or discovery.

When my eldest son started having constant stomach pains/crams at the age of about 5, resulting form tension at home between me and his dad, this was my trigger to do something about the relationship, myself and make some life changing, yet very difficult decisions.

We teach others how to treat us. Likewise, when we project our problems and ‘stuff’ outwards, we are really teaching our children to blame other people for their problems, aren’t we? If this is the case, how can we therefore tell our children to ‘take responsibility for your behaviour’?

After my divorce and alongside horrible experiences at work, I used to mediate for roughly 10 – 15 minutes as soon as I got home from work. I know that my children experienced a much better, calmer and balanced mum than if I had not taken those few minutes out.

Learning “positive selfishness” is what took me out of my unhealthy and abusive situations in the past, so that I could offer my children a lot more than I had and a better perspective on life.

Spiritual hour

‘Positive selfishness’ is not self conceitedness and focuses on creating and finding a balance in mind, body and soul. I strongly recommend that parents create and take ‘me time’ or ‘spiritual hour’ for themselves to recharge their batteries, relax, unwind and rejuvenate so that they come back to the children in a much calmer & healthier state of mind. This helps to prevent children being shouted at or being blamed for ‘stuff’ that really belongs to their parents.

Now over to you!

Q: What would need to happen in order for you to change one small thing, that if you did, it would make a huge difference to your children and family life?

This article © Jennifer McLeod 2009. All Rights Reserved

____________________________________________________________________

What’s On?


The Psychology of Self Harm & Behaviour Course – Young People

Thank You to all practitioners working with young people who attended May 2009 Self Harm & Behaviour Course. The Course was hugely oversubscribed and proved to be very popular. We even had people contacting us up to 1 day before start of the course. Thank you also for those that forwarded the course information and recommended it to others. Much appreciated!

Here’s what some of the delegates had to say about the Course:

“The Course has given me confidence to perhaps speak out and state concerns about a child who may be self harming”
Anita Rankin, Yarlswood Immigration Centre

“I am aware of different perspectives of people that self harm and understanding the background behaviour that could prevent this.”
Michelle Tennant, Hatchford Primary School

“Inspirational and down to earth!” Janice Costley, Lode Heath School

“Made me feel more confident that my approach is appropriate when working with children and young people.”
Godfrey Tomlinson, Family Support Team, Birmingham City Council

“Fantastic! Great to know lots of techniques to start using to help children to be more aware.”
Alice Hanlon, Colmers School

“I am aware of what self harm is. It is not attention seeking. Very relevant in my current role with young people.”
Bernie Flynn, West Midlands Police

Our next Psychology of Self Harm & Behaviour Course for practitioners working with young people will be taking place Tuesday 18 May 2010. Please put this date in your diary and watch out for further information & joining instructions later on in the year.

____________________________________

The Psychology of Self Harm & Behaviour Course – for Women/Men

We have also had requests from some of you about a Psychology of Self Harm & Behaviour Course for women/men.

This could be adults who are self harming or practitioners working with adults who are self harming.

As such, a new Psychology of Self Harm & Behaviour Course will be taking place Tuesday 24 November 2009 in Birmingham, UK.

We are taking bookings for this course now and further information will be sent out shortly.

______________________________________

Easy Tiger Parents System™

For further information and to book Easy Tiger Parents Programmes for your organisation/company, contact me at parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk

‘Jennifer taught me that for me to create a happier environment, I need to be happy within myself. I can use exercises, that are fantastic, and I’m automatically going to walk out of here with my head held high!
This Course has helped me to look at my life so much more positively and different and if I ever get down, there are so many exercises that I can do. The Course is like a breath of fresh air! It has shown me how to change negative thinking into positive thinking and by doing that I’m calmer and feel a much stronger person completely.’
Sonya, Burnt Tree Children’s Centre Parent

_________________________________

Born To Win! Programme For Young People

For further information and to book Born To Win! Programme For Young People contact me at youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk

'The Born To Win! Workshop was a very good Workshop. It offered helpful advice and is refreshing to learn. The Speaker was Brill! ‘Born To Win!’ is like a stepping stone to your future.’
Jemma, Student at Stourbridge College

_______________________________

Born To Win! Ebook

I will finally be launching my Born To Win! Ebook that you can buy online at the click of a button.

Watch this space for more information shortly.


FEEDBACK and Comments about this Blog?
I always welcome any feedback you may have. Add your comments about this article here.

Have you been LiBERATED yet?

NEW LIFE! NEW FREEDOM! NEW YOU!

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book Series:

Born To Win! Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6lf3gj

Born To Win! Success Strategies for Young Businesses and New Entrepreneurs. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6x6u9t

Born To Win! Success Strategies - EBOOK. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/66hovs

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System™
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People™

E: parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk
E: youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk
www.stepup-international.co.uk
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Manipulative Parents

Hi Melissa

Manipulative Parents
Thank you for your comments and query.

It is always sad and unfortunate for the child caught up in between parents’ fights and manipulative situations.

Each circumstance is different, however. I also appreciate how frustrating this situation can be for you both.

With my situation years ago, I wrote my ex-husband a strong letter about his mistreatment of the children and then backed off, with the letter clearly stating that the boys will see him for what he is and what he is doing to them. Once I had stopped fighting him, my ex-husband didn’t have much to fight about and it was only then that the extent of the harassment (to me) and mistreatment of our sons stopped.

The most essential requirement in your situation is for you and your husband to be totally open and honest with your stepson about exactly what is going on. My advice would be to stay strong, supportive, and available for your stepson, encouraging him to talk about the situation.

Perhaps another way forward is sending his mum a written proposal of how the holidays could be shared and keep a copy of the letter, which at a much later date could be shown to your stepson if the situation continues.

My own parenting plan includes my children alternating between spending Christmas and New Year with us respectively. That is, this year, it’s their dad’s turn to have the boys for the whole of the Christmas week and my turn to have them for the whole of the New Year week. Next Year it will be my turn to have them for the whole of the Christmas break. The children know this and therefore they know what to expect and have adjusted to the arrangements accordingly.

As your stepson gets older, he will also be in a position to choose who he wants to spend Christmas with and will start to see things for himself. He will also start asking questions as to why he is not able to see his dad at Christmas.

As far as taking the situation back to court to find a solution, only you and your husband will know if that is the best solution for you all.

For a more in-depth elaboration on this topic and solutions to move forward, Read More Here: http://snurl.com/20u2qw  

Have you been LiBERATED yet?

NEW LIFE! NEW FREEDOM! NEW YOU!

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book Series:

Born To Win! Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6lf3gj

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System™
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People™

E: parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk
http://www.stepup-international.co.uk/
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

How Do You Stop or Deal With A Manipulative Parent?

How Do You Stop Or Deal With A Manipulative Parent?

Some parents get blinded by their own emotions and stuff going on in their lives that they fail to see the affects, hurt and damage caused by their actions. One of such examples is a parent who use and manipulate their children to get their own way against the other parent.

In my opinion, anyone who uses innocent children in that way is a coward.

So what do you do if you find yourself in the position of having your partner or your ex use and manipulate your children to get back at you or get their own way? How do you deal with the situation if they are the manipulative parent?


Well, first and foremost be clear and acknowledge that this has nothing to do with your child (children) and that it is you that your partner or ex is really attempting to get back at or hurt in some way. Also, be clear that your son/daughter is NOT responsible for being used in this way, they are just children and it is all about your partner’s manipulative parenting!


For a more in-depth elaboration on this topic and solutions to move forward, Read More Here: http://snurl.com/20u2qw 

Have you been LiBERATED yet?

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book Series:

Born To Win! Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today. NEW RELEASE!!! Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6lf3gj

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System™

Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People™

E: parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk

E: youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk

+44 (0) 121 551 1668

How many dormant ‘lizards’ do you have lying around?

How many dormant ‘lizards’ do you have lying around?

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results” Einstein

Too often we allow our fears to hold us back believing them to be real and unchangeable. Most often than not, they are really nothing at all like we imagined them to be.

The following example of my eldest son and his friend illustrates this point:

One night whilst on holiday abroad at Easter, my eldest son and his friend believed they spotted a lizard near the hotel. That night they were playing ‘macho’ boys pretending not to be scared, though it was evident that they were. The next morning they went back to check if the lizard was still there. To their surprise it was not a lizard at all, but…… a piece of a branch. There was obvious relief and excitement when they discovered that the ‘lizard’ was not a lizard at all. Had they not gone back to check, they probably would have lived the rest of their lives believing that Spain was a scary place to visit as it had ‘lizards.’

So let me ask you: How many dormant ‘lizards’ do you have lying around? Go back and check your fears again. How real are they now? Do they even look anything like the ‘lizards’ you imagined them to be?

Quick TIP:
For a reality check and to release your ‘lizards’: write down your ‘lizards’ (situation/fear) on a piece of paper and then ask yourself the following:

· How real is this ‘lizard’?
· What else could this ‘lizard’ mean?
· How much longer will I allow this ‘lizard’ to control my actions, my life?
· Is this ‘lizard’ worthy of me?
· What if it were ok to let go of this ‘lizard’ now?

Allow yourself to let go of your ‘lizards’ today. Or will you allow them to cancel the rest of your life?

If you are a parent, on a psychological level, your children pick up on the ‘lizards’ that you are holding onto. Generally they will repeat these same patterns if you continue to hold onto them. Are you happy with your ‘lizards’? Do you really want to hold onto them? Are you happy to transfer them to your children?

(Of course if you really do have giant ‘alligators’ then you need to seek help to get rid of them. Take that action today.)

Good luck and let me know how you got on.

Feedback

Your feedback is important to me. Leave a comment about this article here or send to parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk

Forward this Article

Lastly, if you have found this article beneficial, others you know might too. Please forward it today to anyone you think might find it useful

Have you been LiBERATED yet?

NEW LIFE! NEW FREEDOM! NEW YOU!

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today. NEW RELEASE!!! Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6lf3gj

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System™
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People™

E: parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk
E: youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

All rights reserved (c) 2008

Andrew Johnston beat the bullies

• Andrew Johnston beat the bullies!
  By Jennifer McLeod, June 2008
  
  I applaud Andrew Johnston, 13 year old contestant on ‘Britain’s Got Talent 2008 Show’, for having the courage to admit to 12 million people across the nation that he was being bullied because of the love of his passion……..singing opera.
  
  I want to let Andrew Johnston know that it is absolutely ok for him to cry when he didn’t win the coveted prize of appearing on the Royal Variety Show, BUT he won the nation’s heart!

• He is a winner because of his courage!
• He is a winner because he stood up to the bullies!
• He is a winner because he has the most superb natural voice for his age! (and as singing was my childhood ambition I would have loved to have had his voice when I was his age).
• He is a winner because he showed not only the judges, but especially the bullies, what he is really made of!
• He is a winner because he gained great confidence and height in just a matter of weeks
• He is a winner because HE CAN!!
  
  All respect to Andrew’s mum who stood by him and continued to support and nurture him throughout a time in their lives which must of been particularly difficult when he was being bullied for his passion.
  
  “When you follow your heart’s desires and do that one thing that’s been niggling away inside you, it’s likely to be that one thing that will make your heart sing.”
  Jennifer McLeod © 2006
  
  Young people are bullied for all kinds of reasons, which includes being different. I was privileged to be crewing with Tony Robbins in October 2006 when a 14 year old teenager, Laura, shared with an audience of 13,000 that she had attempted suicide 5 times because she was excluded from all groups at school for being different……… …why?…she liked rock music!! Tony Robbins had Laura rocking on stage to her favourite rock music and she had 13 thousand adults applauding and rocking with her. She truly rocked! And was a changed young lady by the time she left that seminar. Laura was able to appreciate that it was truly ok to be different and that it was people who are different that are shaping the world, movers and shakers and having an impact on other people’s lives. You only need to think about people like Nelson Mandela, Hitler, Mother Teresa and the Tallest Man in the World
  
  Another group of young people and teenagers being bullied at school are very bright, intelligent boys who then pretend that they don’t have that brilliance just to fit in with their peers. Let’s teach the other young people to look at and accept their own brilliance with the strong message that there is no need to be frightened of their brilliance!
  
  “When you go for what you really want in life, you are helping people more than you realise.”
  Jennifer McLeod © 2006
  
  Bullying is one of the topics that I cover with young people as a part of my Born To Win! Programme for Young People. The Programme helps young people and teenagers to discuss the negative messages that they are getting from society at large and from their own home or school environments, and how they can replace the negative messages with more empowering beliefs for themselves, to create the life they want as apposed to the life that they fall into.
  
  
  “I didn't belong as a kid, and that always bothered me. If only I'd known that one day my differentness would be an asset, then my early life would have been much easier”
  Bette Midler
  
  What can we do as adults and parents to help young people and teenagers be more accepting of others? This for me, starts with adults and parents! How much are we accepting of others including young people and teenagers and how much do we accept ourselves? We only need to look at newspaper articles or listen to the news to see how much adults do not like people who are different and how we can make people’s lives hell because of their differences!
  
  The Independent reports that more and more adults in the UK are afraid of young people and teenagers, however, labelling teenagers as ‘yobs’ or ‘tyrants’ does nothing to alleviate this. It’s only a minority of teenagers that are violent or hurt other people.
  
  “Children always know more than they can put into words: that distinguishes them from us adults, who usually put into words so much than we know.”
  J.Lusseyran
  
  Young people and teenagers are given so much stick in today’s society that it’s any wonder that any of them survive the stereotypes and assumptions as a generation with healthy mindsets. With so much negative press aimed at young people, it can be difficult to encourage young people to be confident in themselves.
  
  The judges on ‘Britain’s Got Talent Show’, Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden?, Piers Morgan, did a great job (in the main), of boosting young people and teenagers courage, confidence, and self esteem with their constructive comments (in the main). Kate from Kate and Gin Act leaves the Show a changed person from the very shy nervous person to being able to step outside of her comfort zone and step up to the challenge of being on stage in front of thousands of people.
  
  Numerous young people from 8 years old upwards entered the Finals, showing adults what they really can do, working and fighting hard to get that coveted prize and place in the Royal Variety Show. From their absolutely brilliant performances, it was inevitable that at least one young person would be in the top 3 and were favourites to win, and sure enough, two of them were: George Sampson (the winner), Andrew Johnston (third place and a winner in his own right) and Signature (adults – runner up).
  
  The semi-finals of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ was dominated by young people and teenagers, including:
  
• The Cheeky Monkeys – aged 8 & 9
• Andrew Johnston - Opera
• Nemesis – Street Dance Group who trained and practiced at any available opportunity after work and any available space they could call their own, even if it meant practicing at a bus stop/shelter instead of dance studio with mirrors. Sheer will power and determination, and that’s what I really like about this group, apart from the fact that they are great dancers.
• George Sampson – singing in the rain ‘Mr Determination’
• Faryl Smith – where did she get that voice? A very ‘mature’ 12 year old and indeed very special
• Escala – fantastic talent and entertaining, string quartet
• Kate and Gin – very unique Act and Kate’s ability to communicate with Gin, the dog, is out of this world!
• Andrew Muir – plumber from Scotland and lot more besides!
  
  George Sampson won because of his sheer fighting spirit and determination to win and continue in his self belief to prove to the judges that they were wrong about him last year. That said, he is also a very talented teenager who was busking on streets in UK, before he auditioned for the ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ Show
  
  This is the first time for years that I have watched so much television, but it was worth it, watching children, young people and teenagers excel in the way that they did.
  
  I do not normally watch the Royal Variety Show, but this year I will make an exception and it will be one not to be missed!
  
  These young people and teenagers were all winners and clearly Born To Win!
  
  If you need any clarification or support on any of the serious matters of bullying or supporting teenagers and young people, contact me, Jennifer McLeod on youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk
  
  © Jennifer McLeod 2008

Have you been LiBERATED yet?

NEW LIFE! NEW FREEDOM! NEW YOU!

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today. NEW RELEASE!!! Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6lf3gj

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System™
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People™

E: parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk
E: youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk

+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Elizabeth Fritzl Revisited – A Real Wake Up Call!

Elizabeth Fritzl Revisited – A Real Wake Up Call!

D’you know the original blog that I posted about Elizabeth Fritzl’s situation has been my most popular blog ever with over a 1000 (thousand) viewers clicking on it within one week of posting the blog on a particular social network site. And yet, even though it has been my most popular blog, I have not had a single comment left by my viewers, NOT ONE, compared to my other blogs.

What Does It Mean?

What does that mean? What could it mean? Is it that as a nation we don’t know what to say about sexual abuse, incest and rape and degrading another person? Is it that we are so disgusted by it that we are all rendered speechless? As stated in my original blog (Elizabeth Fritzl), sexual abuse and incest is widespread across the world, religion, creed, colour, race and gender.

Self Harm

Many of you will already know that my passion and mission is to liberate parents and young people. In one of my programmes for professionals working with children and young people (The Psychology of Self Harm & Behaviour), I share with delegates that one of the main reasons young people resort to self harm (hair pulling, ‘cutting’, drugs, alcohol, emotional abuse, compulsion to steal, gambling or obsession with fire) is because they have been sexually abused.

Coping Strategy

The self loathing, self degradation, hopelessness, helplessness, self hatred, shame and sheer emotional pain that they experience becomes so overwhelming that they feel unable to cope with it all and resort to self harm or self injury as a coping strategy and release from the emotional pain. Relief and control are the top two reasons that young people state for harming themselves and self harming is the number one reason for young people ending up in Accident and Emergency departments.

Speak Up!

So if as adults we feel unable to speak out against sexual abuse, incest and rape of children and young people, how then will we engender, encourage, support and engage children and young people in speaking out when they encounter such experiences?

‘Changing people’s attitudes towards mental health and counselling, and letting young people know that it’s alright to ask for help, that admitting you need help and support doesn’t mean that you have failed. Counselling needs to make more available to young people.’ 24 year old (Breaking Down Barriers Report – Youth Access)


In the UK, in recent years, more and more adults have started to speak out about their own experiences, whether they occurred in children’s homes, convents or at home amongst their family, and how these experiences have affected their lives today.

Our inability as adults to speak out goes a long way to demonstrate why children and young people are powerless to speak up or speak out about their plight, coupled with fear of reprisals from the perpetrator(s). In the majority of sexual abuse cases, the perpetrator is someone that is known to the child or young person, generally a family member, which means that children and young people are torn between standing up for themselves and family loyalty. Children are very protective of their parents irrespective of how good, bad or indifferent their parents are. Perpetrators are and can be any member of the community and at any echelon within the community. Josef Fritzl was deemed to be a respectable member of his community.

Who Would Believe Me?

‘Who would believe me?’ is the question that young people grapple with in these situations. Does the other parent already know? Are they in denial? What would happen to them if they did tell? Do they want to take on the added burden and ‘responsibility’ of breaking up the family home and shattering relationships with their parents and their siblings? How would they cope if they did? Who would support them if they did? Who could they turn to?

Some adults who pluck up the courage to speak out about their experiences become alienated by their families, are accused of lying and accused of breaking up the family home. If this is what happens to an adult, then what chance have young people got?

Review of Youth Information, Advice and Counselling Services

A review of Youth Information, Advice and Counselling Services (YIACS) 2001 by Youth Access in England, revealed that young people’s emotional and mental health needs are not being met adequately. They concluded that there was not a specific service for young people as apposed to those for children and adults.

Society Fails Young People

Additionally, it would seem that social services are more confused and entangled in policy regarding children’s rights and ‘infringement of their human rights’ than focusing on the need to protect the children as in ‘Becky’s’ situation, “for fear their intervention might infringe her human rights.”

It would therefore appear that at all levels, society is failing children and young people and yet, we wonder why some young people ‘go off the rails’, are ‘yobos’, have no respect’, ‘have no manners’, or are turning to suicide as an escape route. What other choices have we given them?
Jennifer McLeod © 2008

Feedback

Give children and young people a voice. Let me have your comments, feedback, thoughts, ideas, or even feedback describing your challenge with leaving a comment about this article.

Your feedback is important to me. Leave a comment about this article here or send to youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk


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More feedback re Parents, Do you deserve the teenagers you have?

I have been getting a range of comments about my articles on other sites that i have posted them and i have a very interesting response from someone, that i thought you might want to read here too!

I would like to hear from you about any of these articles or blogs, so feel free to leave your comments at the end of the article. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

Here goes:

Hi Jennifer

I am happy for u to use my comments if they are useful.

i think we need to start changing the way that we see children. if u remember many years ago, children had a lot of responsibilities from a young age, perhaps too many, well in current times they don’t have enough. We need to strike a balance. Also in the years of past the children had a lot of responsibilities but were also treated with a lack of respect for their intelligence. Children do seem to get treated like second class citizens a lot of the times. Some treat their children in ways that they would never treat an adult even though that adult may be a stranger.

let me give you two scenarios, both of which actually happened:

1)-there is a knock at the door, you r expecting a guest, u go and open the door and whilst backing up to open it, u bump into your 7 year old who has followed u to the door, u turn around aghast, in a mean tone with and an angry face, u utter or shout something like, oh God, what r u doing there? Did u have to stand behind me?!! Kind of like insinuating ' u stupid child'.

2) -you and a friend are on your way out, u go and open the door and whilst backing up to open it, u bump into ur friend who has followed u to the door and is standing quite close to u, u gasp, oops! u turn around apologetically and say 'I’m so sorry'!

What’s the difference here?

They are both human beings with feelings. Jennifer i would have to say that i disagree that children would be made fun of if they r included in the running of the house and given responsibilities. I’m not sure i understand what u mean by they would be made fun of, could u please explain?i believe that if we involve our children in some of the decisions and also give them important jobs to do, (even if we have to sometimes do them over.) it gives children a sense of importance and belonging, rather than an 'us and them' atmosphere. This is how children grow and separate themselves from the home and their social life and friends become more important than their mother and father.

i remember explaining to a friend that even if they got their young 5 year old to tidy up one of the kitchen cupboards it would give him confidence. she used to have a cupboard at floor level with canned food etc. this particular friend would never give the child things to do that were household jobs because she didn’t think the job would get done properly (this is not the point of the exercise at this age, the point is to involve the child, give them a feeling of importance, confidence, that u trust them with ur things or the household things), she would only tell him and his older brother to tidy their own toys and rooms, nothing that involved the children in the house as a whole rather than just 'their' toys 'their' room.

If a person does not feel included, they look elsewhere to feel a sense of belonging; it is the same for children. If they don’t feel included in the home, they start to look elsewhere for that sense of belonging.

Alliyah, Marketing Executive

Lingoworx Language Associates

Have you been LiBERATED yet?

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Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book Series:

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Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System™
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Comments to my blog 'Parents, do you deserve the teenagers you have?

Parents, Do you deserve the teenagers you have?by Jennifer McLeod on 8-May



I think this is an over-generalisation. There are distinct differences in personality and character between family members, and nurture often doesn't explain them. Parents soon know that their children come with built-in unique features that can delight and also surprise. I've been working with children and young people for over 20 years now, and have also researched young people with emotional and behavioural difficulties for a master's degree. Some of the teenagers I see are pretty wild, on the verge of exclusion from school, and their behaviour at home is also very challenging. Whenever possible I meet with the parents and siblings as well, and we all combine as a team, so I get to see the whole family dynamic at work.Even after all this time, I'm still frequently amazed by the dramatic variations between children in families - brought up by the same parents with no obvious disruptive events or major stress points to differentiate one from the other - yet one teenager is acting up, self-harming, violent, on drugs - whatever the response is - and another sibling (or siblings) are adapting well and 'normal'.These parents haven't treated their children any differently, they have given them all the same love and care, established the same boundaries - and have demonstrated a successful parenting model - and it is a huge shock to them when one of their offspring goes off the rails. In such cases, I would hesitate to say that they 'deserve the teenagers they have'. It's a complex subject and needs careful handling - apportioning blame to anyone doesn't change anything.
Christine Miller - Editor

Hi Christine

totally agree about blame!!!i work with parents and young people from an emotional and psychological perspective. My take is that parents do the best they can with the resources that they have. The young person that might have ‘gone off the rail’ or is self harming may have picked up on little nuances or psychological stuff coming from the parent(s) towards them that the parents themselves may not even realise. The young person turns this into all kinds of ‘weird and wonderful’ things in their heads both at a conscious and unconscious level. That is they internalize their perception of what their parents or other important adults around might be projecting onto them. They then run and re-run this perception until the result is low self esteem, low confidence, not feeling good about themselves or self harm etc etc. so yes, on the surface, it might appear that all the siblings were treated the same, however....
Jennifer


I like to think so.My kids were wonderful teenagers (one of them still is).Both very different characters, but both are happy, thoughtful, ambitious, caring, loyal friends, great fun.Not sure I can take all the credit 'tho. They are their own people.
John

hi John
thanks for replying to my blog. it's nice to hear something postive about young people. my youngest (12) is just starting to go through the changes so giving him his space - and still learning to how many do you have?
Jennifer


It's the old nurture-nature story again, isn't it? How a teenager turns out cannot be attributed to one element, i.e. the nurture bit, but is the result of a combination of factors and influences. We shouldn't take too seriously the way that some people feel any outcome can be controlled, and is the entire result of earlier events and circumstances. In our current climate whereby everything must be manipulated, managed and measured to the ninth place of decimal, we've got to accept that some things are just up to luck.
SUZE
S u z a n S t M a u r. c o m Ghostwriter, Editor

Suzan

i agree about different contributory factors. when i work with parents too, i work with them from a whole person perspective, because other factors have an impact on their ability to parent the way that they might want to tell me more about what you do. i am an author and in middle of 3rd book, however might need to use services like yours for other projects, including ebooks
Jennifer


It is the usual 50/50 split idea again. Each of us has a unique temperament but how the world receives and helps us is crucial. Parents need to believe that they are an important influence but not that their children are born formless for them to shape as they choose. I was one of 3 and we were totally different. My elder brother had what would now be called special needs and my parents were made to feel guilty and totally at fault. That's what first got me interested in psychology.An optimistic take on your quote would then encourage parents to feel empowered and hopeful for their child's future. But it could be seen as a rebuke which would scare some parents if not all was well. I often work with families where just one child is finding it tough. Usually it is a mix of what the child and the adults bring to the relationship. Just like mixing cocktails it depends on the ingredients. We read about parenting style as if it's a set formula, whereas being tuned into who your child is is just as important.
Jeni HooperHappy2Learn

Thanks for responding to blog Jeni

Formula? hhhmmmm! i tell parents that i enable them to parent in the way that is 'just right for you' because each child/parent mix will unique.What’s your specific niche with families?
Jennifer

Children are little people and should be treated with respect for their opinions etc and given more credit than they are given. the problem with western society is that it seems to think 'let them stay young for as long as they can' but when they become teenagers suddenly want them to behave like sensible adults when all along they have not been giving them responsibilities, credit for their opinions while children, teaching them that life is not all play and fun. no preparation is involved, it is best to start to prepare them from a young age for adulthood so that it becomes natural for them, little by little. i also don't understand how the west defines someone who is in puberty a child. if a girl or boy reaches the average age to be able to produce babies, they are hardly children anymore in a physical sense, so perhaps we need to look at this and prepare them mentally, throw out the old saying 'let them stay young for as long as they can' it doesn't help anyone, we aren't doing anyone any favors this way. those children grow to become teenagers (young adults) without the mental preparation needed for their age group, act inappropriately for their age, get fed up being treated as if they know nothing, get frustrated because of the lack of respect so then rebel.
AlliyahMarketing ExecutiveLingoworx Language Associates

hi Alliyah

thanks for responding to this blog.i agree. children are given mixed messages on their journey and get frustrated and confused in terms of what they are supposed to do.the other challenge is that if one child is treated as you described, they would stand out like a sore thumb and be picked on, unfortunately.where are you from?i am writing my 4th book about parents, which probably wont be ready until 2010 (as i am still in the middle of book 3), would you mind if i use your comments in the book? this wasn’t the original intention of blogging the statement, however i think you make a very valid point
Jennifer

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Parents, do you have the teenagers you deserve?

Parents, do you have the teenagers you deserve?

Reading Penny Palmano's book 'Yes Please. Whatever!, she suggests that we get the teenagers we deserve:

"(Teenage) behaviour is a barometer of how we dealt with them as children and how we deal with them now. So always remember, we only get the teenagers we deserve."

Tell me what you think about the above statement. What are your thoughts?

What is your teenager like? Are they much different from the kind of teeenager that you thought (expect?) that they would be?

Leave your comments here

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Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book Series:

Born To Win! Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today. NEW RELEASE!!! Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6lf3gj

Born To Win! Success Strategies for Young Businesses and New Entrepreneurs. Get your copy here: http://tinyurl.com/6x6u9t

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Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System™

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E: parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk

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+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Elizabeth Fritzl

Elizabeth Fritzl 5 May 2008


Most people will have heard by now about Elizabeth Fritzl who was drugged and kidnapped by her father Josef Fritzl at the age of 18 and repeatedly raped over the 24 years he held her captive in a garage cellar behind the family home.It is hard to imagine what Elizabeth must have been going through over those years and what kept her alive under such intolerable conditions in a low cellar, living with three of the seven children fathered by her own father.

It is also very hard to believe that no one saw Josef Fritzl taking all kinds of things into his garage – for instance beds, utensils, bathroom unit - which must have seemed strange.As someone who works to liberate parents and young people, this is another example of how diverse, challenging and complicated situations can be within a family environment and also another example of how widespread sexual abuse and incest is across the world. It does not differentiate between colour, creed, gender, race or religion.

Young People

When I work with groups of young people as part of my Born To Win! Programme for Young People, I always say to them not to judge others – their friends and peers - because you never know what happens when that young person goes home. Each young person who is or has been sexually abused will behave differently from another and therefore it is difficult to tell that they have had to endure these experiences. For instance, their behaviour may range from becoming withdrawn, extroverted, promiscuous aggressive, angry or engage in self harm activities (emotional, psychological or physical self harm) due to the self loathing, low self worth, hopelessness and helplessness that they generally experience as a result of sexual abuse or incest.

Tell someone

Elizabeth Fritzl was sexually abused by her father Josef Fritzl from the age of 11. Most children being abused do not tell anyone of their plight, resulting from the sheer fear of reprisals from the abuser, shame, guilt and intimidation, coupled with wondering if anyone would ever believe them. The case of ‘Becky’, a 14 year old British teenager that was brave enough to pluck up the courage to tell adults of her plight, goes a long way to prove this point. ‘Becky’ was consistently ignored until she started self harming and turned to drinks and drugs. It was only then that social services took action to remove her from the family home and placed her in a children’s home. Unfortunately for ‘Becky’, staff at the children’s home “allowed her to be used as a prostitute for fear their intervention might infringe her human rights.”

The extent and gravity of Elizabeth Fritzl’s situation, however, is a stark wake up call to the rest of the world that our children and young people need to be protected and/or liberated, whichever the case may be.
As challenging times lay ahead for the whole family, let's hope that they are given the best support available and thanks also to Natascha Kampusch who lends her support by starting up a fund for the family.
Jennifer McLeod © 2008

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Jennifer McLeod
Born To Win! book series www.Amazon.co.uk, www.Authorhouse.co.uk and Ebook http://www.lulu.com/

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System(tm)
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People(tm)
Email: youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk

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Jennifer McLeod Inspirational Quotes

Jennifer McLeod Inspirational QUOTES

“You have within you an inner guidance that always knows what you need to do. Trusting this inner guidance will set you free and help you to move the obstacles that you once considered to be mountains.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2005


“Get Yourself out of the way so the REAL YOU can get going.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2005

“What you don’t do can create the same regrets as the mistakes you make.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2005


“Beating yourself up doesn’t make your situation any better; in fact, it only prolongs it.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2006


“When you’ve been “there” you really know it.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2006


“Set yourself up to WIN in life.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2006


“Make your word your bond. It really does matter!”
Jennifer McLeod © 2006


“When you really go for what you want in life, you are helping more people than you realise”.
Jennifer McLeod © 2006


“When you go for what you really want in life, you are helping people more than you realise.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2006


“When you ignore that little niggling feeling inside, it comes back time and time again, bigger and bigger each time until it eventually stops you in your tracks.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2006


“When you follow your heart’s desires and do that one thing that’s been niggling away inside you, it’s likely to be that one thing that will make your heart sing.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2006


“Take a leap of faith and do it. Sitting back and doing nothing does nothing for the soul”.
Jennifer McLeod © 2007

“Embrace life as if you really meant it. Treat it like a long-lost very close friend or family member. Now that you have found it, you will want to do everything possible to hold onto it, cherish it; do more for it; love it and make it better.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2007

“When you get ”there”, it is an experience like no other.”
Jennifer McLeod © 2007


“When you get “there”, it is an experience like no other. However, it is also the time to make sure that your action plans are in place to take you to your next level of “being there.” ‘
Jennifer McLeod © 2007


“Which of your characteristics or attitudes are your friends and/or family reflecting back to you?”
Jennifer McLeod © 2007


“Step Up! to the song inside of you. Following through with that thing that makes your heart sing is likely to help you find your life purpose. Then you will really have something to sing about!”
Jennifer McLeod © 2007


What are you waiting for when you have a dream to create? A plan to make? A goal to achieve? A ball to have? Success to Claim?
Jennifer McLeod © 2008

Have you been LiBERATED yet?

NEW LIFE! NEW FREEDOM! NEW YOU!

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod
Born To Win! book series http://www.amazon.co.uk/, http://www.authorhouse.co.uk/ and Ebook http://www.lulu.com/

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System(tm)
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People(tm)

Email:youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk

Email: parent@jennifermcleod.co.uk
http://www.stepup-international.co.uk/

http://www.positiveinspirations.co.uk/
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Elizabeth Fritzl

Most people will have heard by now about Elizabeth Fritzl who was drugged, kidnapped and repeatedly raped by her father Josef Fritzl 24 years ago at the age of 18.

It is hard to imagine what Elizabeth must have been going through over those years and what kept her alive under such intolerable conditions in a cellar, with three of seven children fathered by her own father.

It is also very hard to believe that no one saw Josef Fritzl taking all kinds of things into his garage which must have seemed strange.

As someone that works with parents and young people, this is another example of how diverse, challenging and complicated situations can be within a family environment. This story again, is another example of how widespread sexual abuse and incest is across the world. It does not differentiate between colour, creed, gender, race or religion.

As challenging times lay ahead for the whole family, let's hope that they are given the best support available.

leave a comment about this article or ask a question

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book series http://www.amazon.co.uk/, http://www.authorhouse.co.uk/, and Ebook http://www.lulu.com/

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System(tm)
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People(tm)
youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk
http://www.stepup-international.co.uk/
http://www.positiveinspirations.co.uk/
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Do You Love ME?

Do You Love ME?

This is the underlying and constant question that children and young people have running through their minds whether on a conscious or unconscious basis. We all have a need to be loved and children and young people are no exception to the rule.Most often than not, however, children and young people may not be aware of this driving need and may act in ways which test their parents’ love for them. Again, they are generally unaware of why they are doing what they are doing because it is an unconscious act governed by the need to be and to feel loved. Though these actions may test some parents’ patience or drive some parents to despair, the trick for the parents is to look behind the behaviour at what children or young people might be trying to tell you. For instance, examples of behaviour might range from minor incidences like some children bedwetting again, creating ‘weird and wonderful’ fantasies that might seem real to them, hyperactivity, to more serious situations like stealing, mixing with the wrong crowd that leads them astray, substance misuse, self harm or even worse, suicide (sadly and steadily on the increase amongst young people and is the second or third highest cause of death for young people). The behaviour is a form of communication to you that tells you that something is going on and again, children especially, and young people may not be able to put into words how they are feeling. They just need that affirmative ‘yes’ in words and actions from their parents.

Where young people are concerned, they have so many challenges going on at this crucial stage of development in their lives, that it is so easy for them to get distracted and perhaps do things that they wouldn't normally do in an attempt to 'find themselves' or 'find me'. It is also a time for them naturally to want to explore and strive for their independence from their parents. Whilst this is a natural part of their growth, this stage still needs to be managed, whereby parents give young people more freedom a little at a time depending on their ability to manage this new found freedom and the responsibilities that it entails. Give them too much freedom at first and it will be difficult to claw it back later on if and when things go wrong. Children and young people of all ages need boundaries, irrespective of their behaviour and them telling you that they are not ‘a kid’ anymore. An Ofsted report 2007 UK reveals that young people believe that teachers treat them like young adults too soon. So whilst they want the extra freedom, they don’t want or are unable to cope with too much of it and therefore the increased responsibilities that it brings.

Another important point about a young person’s need to know that he or she is loved is the natural need for them to see their parents demonstrate that they love them. It might appear that they don’t want to be hugged anymore as they get older, but this is generally a façade that they put on at this stage of their development. Providing you are not ignoring their wishes by hugging them and embarrassing them in front of their friends, (my eldest is 17 years old and he openly initiates and gives me a hug in front of his friends), then always show your children affection. This can be as simple as tapping/touching them on their shoulders, arms, head or back as you walk past them.Brian Tracy, a leading sales and personal development guru, sited an experiment called the Infant Death Syndrome where an experiment with newly born babies showed that half the babies in the experiment were not shown any form of affection and were just fed and changed when necessary. The other half of the babies in the experiment were also changed and fed, given extra attention, affection, hugged and played with. The difference in the development of the growth in the two sets of babies was so stark that the experiment had to be stopped, though too late, as the set of babies which didn’t receive the nurturing and affection, literally shriveled up and some of them actually died. A very potent example to illustrate the point above, as it is so easy to underestimate young people’s need for affection because of the contradictory behaviour that they portray.

If you watch Eastenders in the UK, one of the current storyline running is Lucy Beale running away from home. The episode Friday 02 May 2008 showed Stephen Beale telling Lucy that dad Ian and step mum Jane had almost forgotten about her to the extent where they were thinking of moving Stephen into Lucy’s room. The expression on Lucy’s face was one of obvious disappointment, even though she was the one that ran away.

So what do you do?

Give constant reassurance, praise, love, focused attention and affection and most importantly, LISTEN and give Lots of hugs.

This is not just about positive parenting or just being positive parents as this approach goes over and above that.

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NEW LIFE! NEW FREEDOM! NEW YOU!

Leave your comments here about this article, and why not share this article with someone who might benefit from it?

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book series http://www.amazon.co.uk/; http://www.authorhouse.co.uk/ and Ebook http://www.lulu.com/

Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System(tm)
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People(tm)
youngpeople@jennifermcleod.co.uk
http://www.stepup-international.co.uk/

http://www.postiveinspirations.co.uk/
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Liberation is on its way!

Parents and young people liberation is here at last!

Doesnt that sound great?


I get really excited at the sound of those words, because that's exactly what i do for parents and young people.

More on this later, for now join me and let me know your comments and the new phase for parents and young people..

Have you been LIBERATED YET?

NEW LIFE! NEW FREEDOM! NEW YOU!

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod

Born To Win! book series - Get your download Ebook at www.Lulu.com
Creator of Easy Tiger Parents System(tm)
Creator of Born To Win! Programme for Young People(tm)
info@jennifermcleod.co.uk
www.stepup-international.co.uk
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Parents, if you were an animal.........

Parents

if you were an animal,

• what kind of an animal would you be?


• why?


• how does this play out in your life and with family members?


• how does this affect others/your children?


• what are the implications for your children and relationships?


• any other comment?

thanks for taking part in this mini survey

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod
info@jennifermcleod.co.uk

http://www.stepup-international.co.uk/
+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Hurray for Ben! The wicked witch of the East End is Dead!!

Hurray for Ben! The wicked witch of the East End is Dead!!

My 11 year old son called Ben a ‘girl’ because he was sobbing and crying as a result of the emotional, psychological, mental and physical abuse that he had suffered at the hands of Stella, Ben’s dad Phil Mitchell’s fiancée, of the soap Eastenders.

Many boys like my son, and other people, who have never had such experiences as Ben has had, may be of a similar opinion, mainly because they do not understand the seriousness or the complexities of the damage that has taken place as a result of the abuse.

Thousands of children suffer a range of abuse each year at the hands of someone that they know, which is contrary to the general public’s perception of strangers being the main abusers and perpetrators. Abuse can take on so many different forms and shapes and sometimes it can be easy for some parents or relatives to fall into minor elements of abuse with children and young people without realising it. For instance, trying to make a child feel guilty, manipulation and/or the withdrawal of love, or threat of the withdrawal of love to make children do things that they do not want to do. This is particularly the case with adults or parents with low self esteem, self image and low confidence levels.

What normally happens is that the child or young person gets drawn into the cycle of abuse, where the abuser uses coercion, manipulation or threat, until the child or young person find it difficult to distinguish between fact and fiction, as is the case with Ben Mitchell, and in a lot of cases, they find it difficult to get out of the situation, especially if they haven’t got any support, or think that no one would believe them if they told. Thanks, however, to the courage, support and encouragement of Ben’s friend for him to tell someone, Ben gathers up the courage to stand up to his abuser, Stella, at the time when it mattered most - on the wedding day!

Whilst this is a story from a television Soap, abuse very much happens right under our noses in real life, with people left feeling total disbelief, like Peggy and Phil Mitchell, that it could have happened under their roof. The other normal reaction to finding out about abuse is for people to look for someone else to blame for the abuse taking place. Some people blame themselves, blame other adults or even the child or young person caught up in the frightening, humiliating and debilitating situation. Phil Mitchell, the dad in this situation, is starting out on a self-loathing path in his attempt to both blame himself and to deal with the situation. He is at the stage now where he is emotionally unavailable to his son Ben and unable to support him in any way through his own guilt of what ‘he let happen’ to Ben. Eastenders has shown us how easy it is for families to completely miss and/or ignore signs of abuse in our fast paced society.

Children with circumstances like Ben Mitchell are likely to be vulnerable and typical easy preys for abusers, through absolutely no fault of their own. For instance, Ben the character, lost his mother at an early age, came to a new country to a father, brother and family that he doesn’t know and who do not know him. He is therefore searching for something and someone to fill the gap caused by the loss of his mother and the loss of his mother’s love. His dad, character Phil Mitchell is also looking for someone to help fill that void in Ben’s life, to the extent where he overlooked Ben’s mood changes and obvious unhappiness caused by the abuse.

All children ultimately want to be loved and to belong and will gravitate to the person(s) who appear to be providing that love and meeting that need, even if it is in the form of mixed messages from the abuser. As Phil Mitchell says, it doesn’t matter what Stella, the adult, was going through, what mattered was that she was the adult and Ben the child. There are many adults like the character Stella in our society today who have emotional and psychological challenges stemming from their own childhood experiences and conditioning. Adults, however, can choose to get help, support and guidance to deal with these emotional and psychological challenges through a range of counselling, therapeutic and coaching remedies. Therefore, the adult needs to take responsibility for their actions for the abuse and equally, responsibility for their non action if they suspect that a child has been abused. Above all else, do not blame the child or young person for what happened. It is in no way their fault and the child needs to be told that repeatedly and supported and loved throughout the recovery from the experience.

Here some possible signs to watch out for if you suspect that a child, any child, is being abused (emotionally, sexually, physically or psychologically):*

The child or young person:

• Changes their character in a dramatic or pronounced way when a particular person(s) is in the same room or nearby


• Becomes withdrawn


• Becomes a bully, very aggressive or is being bullied


• Seeks extra attention


• Has unexplained bruises or have far fetched explanations for the bruising


• Has genital infections or bruising not normally associated with children


• Is acting in a promiscuous way, not normally typical of their age.
  
  *NB: These signs are not to be taken and used in isolation as they could also be the result and symptoms of other issues occurring in the child/young person’s life.
  
  What you can do:
  


• Listen to your children and believe your children


• Talk about the situation rather than ignore it or pretend that it didn’t happen. It won’t just go away.


• Get counselling or other therapy for your child/the child and yourself


• Visit the GP and request a health check for the child or young person. Get a referral from the GP to another service, e.g. child psychiatrist or psychologist


• Constantly reassure the child or young person and remind them that it was not their fault.


• Give them lots of love


• Get support for yourself so that you can be emotionally available to yourself and therefore be able to support the child or young person


• Get more information from your local Citizens Advice Bureau about support that might be available in your local area. For instance, Open Door or Head 2 Head are voluntary and charity organisations which specially provide a counselling service and therapy for children and young people in Birmingham and Tipton, West Midlands.
  
  
  
  With Inspirational Blessings
  Jennifer McLeod
  info@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk

Working with Young People

• 
  
  
  
  Step Up! International Ltd
  
  Born To Win! Programme For Young People
  
  We help Young People to create the life they want as apposed to the life that they fall into.
  
  You know how some young people find it difficult to believe in themselves today or to ignore peer pressure? Which sometimes makes it difficult for them to do the right thing, concentrate on their education or even stay out of trouble? Well, we help young people to have the SELF BELIEF to create the life they want as apposed to the life that they fall into, which means that they can take action today to make it happen!
  
  “You have within you an inner guidance that always knows what you need to do. Trusting this inner guidance will set you free and help you to move the obstacles that you once considered to be mountains.”
  Jennifer McLeod © 2005
  
  Vision Statement
  
  Our vision is to make a difference in taking Parents and Young People to their highest levels of conscious awareness.
  
  Mission Statement
  
  Step Up! International Ltd is committed to providing the best possible quality and highest possible quantity of service in the best possible spirit to all our clients.
  
  We strive to deliver our services with the passion necessary to take parents and young people to their highest levels of being ‘there’. ‘There’ being where our clients are able to be or want to be on their journey of their own personal and professional development and fulfilment.
  
  We work with clients who are willing to learn and grow and who want the best for their team members.
  
  We work from an ethical standpoint, ensuring the greatest possible level of integrity in everything that we do.
  
  We work within an holistic framework, developing ourselves and our clients from a mental, emotional, spiritual and physical perspective, ensuring our clients’ true growth and success.
  
  “Set yourself up to WIN in life.”
  Jennifer McLeod © 2006

Who Is Our Born To Win! Programme For?

Our Born To Win! Programme is for ANY Young Person who:

Is from age 14 -19 years

Is in school or any other educational establishments and existing formal structures and frameworks

Is out of school and is being supported by other agencies such as Referral Units

Is part of the N.E.A.T. (Neither in Education And Training) programme and processes

Is ambitious

Has lost all self belief

Has little or no confidence and low self esteem

On the borderline of achievement and non-achievement

Are throwing their life away just to fit in with their peer group

Whose home life is affecting their studies and the learning environment

Have taken on too much and are struggling to fit it all in

Have potential but are not performing to their ability

Habitually Self harm

Have low aspirations

Believe that they could not get anything else other than the lowest paid job

Are feeling guilty, afraid, angry, or generally not feeling that they are good enough

Is a Teenage parent or parent-to-be

Just wants someone to believe in them!

Is doing well and want to do even better!

Who wants to move from good to great to excellent!

Wants to ensure they achieve the exam grades that they need

How Do We Do That?

We have Solutions for Young People as part of our Born To Win! Programmes ranging from:

• Workshops
• 1:1 Coaching
• Modular accredited coaching programmes for smaller groups of young people needing more intensive work or on a 1:1 basis
• Solutions for Teenage Parents and Teenage Parents To Be
  
  Benefits Of Young People Using Our Service includes:
  
  
• Our Young People’s Solutions focuses on the young person as a whole person and not just on any particular one aspect, e.g. academic achievement
• Our solutions pay for themselves!
• Have someone else believe in them
• Our reputation is second to none!
• We are independent and impartial from parents, educational establishments or other agencies.
• Our Unique, highly successful Easy Tiger™ Parenting Models for young people, together with our 21 Day Parent Coaching Model
• Opportunity to share with others and build support networks
• After Service support systems and structures
• New Life! New Freedom! New You!
  
  “Get Yourself out of the way so the REAL YOU can get going.”
  Jennifer McLeod © 2005
  
  
  Benefits To Educational Establishments and Other Agencies working with us, includes:
  
  
• Getting the right result for the young person
• Helping you to achieve your targets
• Ease your frustration in supporting the young person of having their breakthroughs
• Help to keep the young person within your existing framework, structures and programmes
• Inspire and enable the young person to have self belief
• Higher achievements and attainments for the young person and your organization
• Our independent and impartial approach
• Our ability to connect with young people.
  
  
  Testimonials
  
  Our successful Born To Win! Programme has helped Young People in different ways to have their breakthroughs and take control of their life. Don’t just take our word for it,
  here’s what some young people and others have to say about our services:
  
  ‘This is the best Workshop we’ve had’
  Birmingham University Student
  
  It was useful to understand our goals broken down and the steps needed for us to progress forward, for ourselves and no one else.
  Michaela, Halesowen College Student
  
  I really enjoyed the Workshop; it really boosted my self confidence and made me realise there are so many opportunities out there for me.
  Rufaro, Halesowen College Student
  
  The Workshop opened our minds about what we can achieve not just for our families, but mostly today, I learnt that it was important for me to achieve for myself.
  La Tanya Mais, Halesowen College Student
  
  The sessions provided a rare opportunity for students to think broadly about what it means to ‘create their own success’. While all 8 tools were essential in helping students realise this phrase, I felt that the breakdown of the Life Action Plan and the Success Mindset Principles™ were very practical exercises that showed students how to pull apart and understand their aspirations and life choices. It also helped students learn from previous accomplishments, which I find an amazingly useful tool in my own life. Your workshops reminded students (and myself to be honest) that the onus is upon the individual to create the future they’d like to have. However, it also showed the importance of identifying available support and making full use of it.
  Rashidah Andrews, Training Consultant, Halesowen College
  
  Jennifer’s Talk tonight has helped to confirm and clarify my vision. It has pushed me to finish writing my plan (or else it will only remain a dream!). Tonight was a BLESSING J
  Nadine Grant, Women of Destiny
  
  ‘Can we do this again Miss?’
  Year 8 Pupil, Castle Vale School
  
  ‘From today, I will not to let anyone put me down’
  ‘I will value each opportunity I receive’
  ‘I am starting to think about how I can do what I want instead of how I can’t’
  ‘Start thinking about how I can do what I want instead of how I can’t’
  ‘How to break down the problem of getting a job into manageable chunks’
  City College Students
  
  ‘The Workshop to help young girls to achieve their dreams was very inspirational. The majority of the 90 girls who took part were really interested in finding out how to reach their goals and benefited not only from the stepped approach from the fact that they were told they could achieve whatever they put their mind to.
  
  The girls were actively involved in both the Talk and Workshops and enjoyed making their dream-boards as it gave them a chance to reflect on their future (both long and short term) which they do not really get time for in the busy life of school.
  
  I would definitely recommend the workshops to other schools as it inspired both students and staff to give things a go and really believe that they can reach their goal and I would definitely have you back again.’
  Louise Maher, PSHE Coordinator, Head of Year 11, Perry Beeches School
  
  
  So What Does All Of This Cost You?
  
  Contact Jennifer McLeod directly on +44 (0)121 551 1668 or +44 (0) 845 056 3840 or email info@PositiveInspirations.co.uk for further details and a FREE 20 minute Consultation with no obligation to buy!!
  
  
  “Step Up! to the song inside of you. Following through with that thing that makes your heart sing is likely to help you find your life purpose. Then you will really have something to sing about!”
  Jennifer McLeod © 2007
  
  
  With Inspirational Blessings
  Jennifer McLeod
  info@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk