Hurray for Ben! The wicked witch of the East End is Dead!!

Hurray for Ben! The wicked witch of the East End is Dead!!

My 11 year old son called Ben a ‘girl’ because he was sobbing and crying as a result of the emotional, psychological, mental and physical abuse that he had suffered at the hands of Stella, Ben’s dad Phil Mitchell’s fiancée, of the soap Eastenders.

Many boys like my son, and other people, who have never had such experiences as Ben has had, may be of a similar opinion, mainly because they do not understand the seriousness or the complexities of the damage that has taken place as a result of the abuse.

Thousands of children suffer a range of abuse each year at the hands of someone that they know, which is contrary to the general public’s perception of strangers being the main abusers and perpetrators. Abuse can take on so many different forms and shapes and sometimes it can be easy for some parents or relatives to fall into minor elements of abuse with children and young people without realising it. For instance, trying to make a child feel guilty, manipulation and/or the withdrawal of love, or threat of the withdrawal of love to make children do things that they do not want to do. This is particularly the case with adults or parents with low self esteem, self image and low confidence levels.

What normally happens is that the child or young person gets drawn into the cycle of abuse, where the abuser uses coercion, manipulation or threat, until the child or young person find it difficult to distinguish between fact and fiction, as is the case with Ben Mitchell, and in a lot of cases, they find it difficult to get out of the situation, especially if they haven’t got any support, or think that no one would believe them if they told. Thanks, however, to the courage, support and encouragement of Ben’s friend for him to tell someone, Ben gathers up the courage to stand up to his abuser, Stella, at the time when it mattered most - on the wedding day!

Whilst this is a story from a television Soap, abuse very much happens right under our noses in real life, with people left feeling total disbelief, like Peggy and Phil Mitchell, that it could have happened under their roof. The other normal reaction to finding out about abuse is for people to look for someone else to blame for the abuse taking place. Some people blame themselves, blame other adults or even the child or young person caught up in the frightening, humiliating and debilitating situation. Phil Mitchell, the dad in this situation, is starting out on a self-loathing path in his attempt to both blame himself and to deal with the situation. He is at the stage now where he is emotionally unavailable to his son Ben and unable to support him in any way through his own guilt of what ‘he let happen’ to Ben. Eastenders has shown us how easy it is for families to completely miss and/or ignore signs of abuse in our fast paced society.

Children with circumstances like Ben Mitchell are likely to be vulnerable and typical easy preys for abusers, through absolutely no fault of their own. For instance, Ben the character, lost his mother at an early age, came to a new country to a father, brother and family that he doesn’t know and who do not know him. He is therefore searching for something and someone to fill the gap caused by the loss of his mother and the loss of his mother’s love. His dad, character Phil Mitchell is also looking for someone to help fill that void in Ben’s life, to the extent where he overlooked Ben’s mood changes and obvious unhappiness caused by the abuse.

All children ultimately want to be loved and to belong and will gravitate to the person(s) who appear to be providing that love and meeting that need, even if it is in the form of mixed messages from the abuser. As Phil Mitchell says, it doesn’t matter what Stella, the adult, was going through, what mattered was that she was the adult and Ben the child. There are many adults like the character Stella in our society today who have emotional and psychological challenges stemming from their own childhood experiences and conditioning. Adults, however, can choose to get help, support and guidance to deal with these emotional and psychological challenges through a range of counselling, therapeutic and coaching remedies. Therefore, the adult needs to take responsibility for their actions for the abuse and equally, responsibility for their non action if they suspect that a child has been abused. Above all else, do not blame the child or young person for what happened. It is in no way their fault and the child needs to be told that repeatedly and supported and loved throughout the recovery from the experience.

Here some possible signs to watch out for if you suspect that a child, any child, is being abused (emotionally, sexually, physically or psychologically):*

The child or young person:

• Changes their character in a dramatic or pronounced way when a particular person(s) is in the same room or nearby


• Becomes withdrawn


• Becomes a bully, very aggressive or is being bullied


• Seeks extra attention


• Has unexplained bruises or have far fetched explanations for the bruising


• Has genital infections or bruising not normally associated with children


• Is acting in a promiscuous way, not normally typical of their age.
  
  *NB: These signs are not to be taken and used in isolation as they could also be the result and symptoms of other issues occurring in the child/young person’s life.
  
  What you can do:
  


• Listen to your children and believe your children


• Talk about the situation rather than ignore it or pretend that it didn’t happen. It won’t just go away.


• Get counselling or other therapy for your child/the child and yourself


• Visit the GP and request a health check for the child or young person. Get a referral from the GP to another service, e.g. child psychiatrist or psychologist


• Constantly reassure the child or young person and remind them that it was not their fault.


• Give them lots of love


• Get support for yourself so that you can be emotionally available to yourself and therefore be able to support the child or young person


• Get more information from your local Citizens Advice Bureau about support that might be available in your local area. For instance, Open Door or Head 2 Head are voluntary and charity organisations which specially provide a counselling service and therapy for children and young people in Birmingham and Tipton, West Midlands.
  
  
  
  With Inspirational Blessings
  Jennifer McLeod
  info@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk

5 Things to Look For When YOU Approach a Company That Offers Parenting Solutions:

5 Things to Look For When YOU Approach a Company That Offers Parenting Solutions:

Sometimes it can be difficult to make the right choice when choosing a service or product from an unknown company, especially when you have your family's interest at heart. The best way is always to test out the company and see if it is the right one for you by asking them a range of questions. If it feels right, then it probably is the right company for you to work with.

Just to help you along the way, here are 5 Things to look out for when you approach a company that offers parenting solutions:

1. Do they have a Long lasting parenting model for success?
2. Do they offer After Service Support Systems?
3. Do they Enable you to establish or re-establish your own identity as well as being a parent?
4. Does their their service help you to identify root causes of some of your parenting challenges and help you to eliminate them?
5. Does the service help you to take control of your life and Create the life you want?
   
   ‘When you really go for what you want, you are helping more people than you realise.’
   Jennifer McLeod

Good luck and happy shopping!

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod
info@PositiveInspirationS.co.uk


+44 (0) 121 551 1668

Wife Swop - The Effects on the Children

I have to say that Wife Swop is a programme that previously I didn't think deserved the time of day watching, however, my children happened to be watching it one day, not something that they normally watch, and I decided to join them, more because I wanted to spend that time just chilling out with them.

As I got into the programme, I started watching it with more curiosity and from a different, more observational perspective because of my role of working with parents and young people. My initial thought was why on earth would someone do something like that? What are people's motives for going through a process like Wife Swop , especially when they have objections to the changes and new house rules that are created as part of the process?

Generally, from the few shows that I have seen so far, there seems to be positive changes at the end of the process for both sets of families in different ways, if for no other reason, than to have more appreciation for their own real families afterwards and an insight into other people's worlds.

Examples of effects of the Wife Swop programme on the children that I have observed (given that I haven't seen that many episodes) include:

1. the episode where a wife and mother of four girls and one boy had learnt at the end of the Swop experience to let her 21 year old son take more responsibility for looking after his dog and himself, which includes getting himself out of bed. After all, he was 21 and needed to have some sense of responsibility and accountability for his own actions, learning that it was his responsibility to deal with consequences of his actions. He also had the added privilege of eating his dinner first, alongside his dad, before his mum and his four younger sisters could eat. Unfortunately, this was his mum's doing and not his dad's. I guess the knock on effect of his upbringing now is that he will be expecting his partner to always be at his beck and call because that's all he has ever been used to. His mum wanted it this way for her whole family, including her husband, because this made her feel needed!


2. Unfortunately, his sisters have been brought up to accept that it was OK for men to eat first and that they had left overs. In addition, they also believe that their role is to serve men, including rolling their cigars etc - basically be at their beck and call, and still have a job outside of the home. I don't know how many of these four girls will be strong enough and confident enough when they are older to stop her partner using her like a doormat or indeed prevent her partner abusing her in any other way, such as domestic violence. What I do know is that their mother's unhealthy neediness and insecurities has given them all alot of 'stuff' to undo and get rid of if they are to lead a healthy, positive life.


3. Another example of the effects of Wife Swop on children is the episode when family 'A' Swopped with family 'B'. Family 'A' was made up of parents who are both Councillors and three children and family 'B' was made up of parents (one of whom was a step-parent) and I think three children.


4. In family 'A', there was constant activity around the local government councillor's role, which also involved one of the daughters as well. The phone was constantly on the go and the ethos was that people 'out there' need us, so be patient and accept that we need to drop everything that we are doing to attend to their needs whenever they call. This meant that the children, all in their teens, didn't have much time with their parents, as even meal times was interrupted by phone calls.


5. In family 'B', the mother's eldest son of fifteen years, was having difficulty getting on with his step-dad. This meant that he was out often, getting into trouble with the police and hanging out with the wrong crowd. His behaviour was clearly affecting the whole family, however, his step-dad didn't seem to take much responsibility for some of his own actions either.


6. The positive outcomes for family 'A' and 'B' was that both sets of children were better off as a result of the Swop experience. The children in family 'A' had more time with their parents and the phone was switched off at a certain time in the evening. The eldest son in family 'B' had developed increased confidence because the 'Swop mum' had booked him a session in a recording studio because of his love for music.

As parents we need to become aware of what we are doing to and for ourselves as well as how our own behaviours affect our children. It takes courage to put up our hand and admit that some things in our lives are not working and that they need to be changed and we are the ones to make the changes happen.

It is possible and it can be done and I have done for myself and for the benefit of my children.

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod
www.PositiveInspirationS.co.uk

Children Taking On Adult Responsibilities

Aged 12 And Looking After the Family
Channel 4 Monday 5 February 2007

This programme highlighted stories of British children who have had to take on adult responsibilities because of parental illness or disability.

As a mother and someone that works with young people, I found this programme disturbing and disheartening, with the portrayal of one family in particular. This was the family the blind/partially blind couple who want a large family of 7 or 8 just because their parents both had large families. I have no problems with people with disabilities having their own families and having as good a life as they can get within this challenging society that we live in today. However, my challenge was – and what disturbed me most, was the undue stress and heartache that the eldest children, 12 year old and 9 year old girls, had to endure looking after a family of 8, including the parents.

The toll on the two eldest girls was so visibly immense, so much so that the 9 year old attempted suicide when she was 8 years old, with very little support to deal with the situation. The Young Carer’s Association could only help her if she was actually carrying out ‘caring’ duties within the home, something which she couldn’t cope with but had to do. Additionally, she gets bullied at school because of her parents’ disabilities.

The eldest girl seemed to be devoid of emotion and insisted that she wouldn’t want a family of her own when she is older. They had four younger brothers, three of whom were pre-school children, to care for. The children carried out normal parental responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, washing, caring for the younger ones including getting them sorted in the mornings before going to school and changing their dirty nappies (which had been left on them all day) when they got back from school. The parents refused extra help from Social Services, insisting that they could manage.

Even with the undue stress on the eldest children of taking on such a burden at their tender age, the parents still insisted that they will continue having more children, so that the children all ‘share the workload of looking after them in their old age’. The reality is that not all the children will help out equally, if at all, especially as they get older and the chances are that the eldest two children will still be playing ‘mum and dad’ to a family of 9 or 10 if the parents continue with their plan.


With Inspirational Blessings

Jennifer McLeod
Step Up! International Ltd
www.PositiveInspirationS.co.uk

Tel: +44 (0) 121 551 1668/ +44 (0) 845 056 3840

Single Parents and Lone Parents

The government has been pretty forthright lately in its determination to get lone parents back to work as a way of reducing the unemployment figures. I think it is fantastic that lone parents get all the support that they can get to start working or go back to work at the time that is just right for them, isn't it? However, that is unlikely to be the case in reality.

There are so many things to consider in terms of getting lone parents to work, that i wonder if the government has fully thought through lone parents needs.

As a lone parent myself with two children, I know how challenging it can be to take on all the parenting responsibilities, or share some if you have a supportive ex-partner. Some lone parents may not have the support network to help with childcare outside of normal office hours or indeed during office hours; they may not be able to afford nursery fees; returning to work may undoubtedly bring about fears of having some of their benefits being taken off them and not being replaced by sufficient income from their new job, with no immediate way of filling that financial gap. In addition, there are those lone parents who may not have worked for a long period of time, which means that they may have lost a lot of confidence and the working world or business world may appear too overwhelming for them. They may need re-skilling in meaningful career paths and not just a piecemeal attempt to get them in the lowest possible level job at the lowest possible pay in the quickest possible time just as a quick fix or a 'tick box' mentality to prove that unemployment is on the decrease!

Other than very important practical things to consider in getting lone parents back to work, there are emotional and psychological challenges that need to be taken into consideration.

Who will deal with the emotional and psychological challenges that lone parents might be facing when returning to work or entering the workplace for the first time. There may be feelings of guilt, insecurity, fear, anxiety, low self esteem or a lone parent may be someone who is harming themselves on a regular basis. Additionally, what about the emotional and psychological baggage that people bring with them from childhood that are amplified in adulthood? Who will help some lone parents to get rid of some of these potentially detrimential baggage and Emotional Roadblocks(tm) that could be stopping them working in the first place or not being as an effective parent as they would like to be?

And what about possible parenting challenges with either young children or teenagers? If these challenges are not dealt with, they could also affect the lone parents and single parents ability to perform well in their job and potentially affect team morale.

Some people need more support than others to move on in their lives. Just looking at one aspect of a person's life, such as employment/unemployment is not the most useful way to help people move on in life.

With Inspirational Blessings
Jennifer McLeod
www.PositiveInspirationS.co.uk

Parents

You know, sometimes Parents can have such a hard job of knowing that they have got it just right in terms of doing the best for their children. We all know that we do not graduate into adulthood with a book with the blueprint for raising our children, do we? And yet, as parents, we are expected to know exactly what to do for the best with and for our children from the moment that they are born until they fly the nest.

Do you remember the first time when you were left alone at home with your first newly born baby? Can you remember feeling or thinking: what on earth do I do now? I certainly do! There you are with this new baby, a living thing, a human being and what do you do with him or her? It's not as if you can just pick up the baby and put him/her in your handbag and be on your way and you are sorted for the rest of the day or the rest of your life. No! You need to start to think differently, do things differently, take on a whole new responsibility that only really hits you once you've had time to get used to the fact that you now have a baby.

I think that is still how I have felt from time to time as my children reached different milestones in growing up. For instance, starting or leaving primary school, becoming a teenager, challenging behaviour that is totally unexpected, discipline in general etc.

Sometimes we may want to parent in a different way, however, somehow we may seem to be parenting in a way that we did not like, e.g. the way that our parents brought us up and or that is detrimental to our children, but somehow we do not seem to be able to change what we are doing. That's because we have developed certain patterns and behaviour over time that run our lives now and we need to learn how to change these patterns.

What are your thoughts?

Jennifer McLeod
Parent Coach; Easy Tiger(tm) Parent Coaching Workshops; Live Your Ultimate Life Vision Today!; Inspirational Relationship & Divorce Coach; Inspirational Action-Orientated Speaker
Tel: +44 (0)845 056 3840
www.PositiveInspirationS.co.uk